I Left

I left..  A journey of reflection of the past couple days.  3/9/18

As I sit with little sleep from the past two days, I feel as though I still can't wrap my brain around everything.  As I watched what felt like so much crumble and fall apart around me in court the other day, I was told with what little we were told would be ordered that it was a good thing.  Due to the events that occured I left the day with no definitive order and must patiently wait for the mail to learn of the final outcome.  I left with so many questions still forming and running through my head.  I left with once again little to no faith in our justice system and the majority of people that walk the face of this earth or sit in the chairs and pews of churches.  I left with a heart that was broken, crushed, and scared of the outcome.  I left knowing that as a mom I did what I know I had to do and things would change for forever and there was and is nothing I could do.  I left knowing the grave danger that is and will continue to rise and occur on so many levels.  I left being treated with disrespect and laughed at in my face on the public streets of the city where commotion broke out from a fire in the county prison just a few blocks away.  I left knowing I seen the eyes of satan not just through the eyes of one individual but two.  I left knowing the dangerous waters to be treaded in the near future.  I left getting a hateful text from a child whom I love and care for deeply just like their sibilings.  I left knowing I may or may not ever see my children again, because I simply did what I felt I had to do to protect them and watch a justice system tell me that even though someone commits sexual crimes in public they are not a risk unless the crime involves the individuals you show concern for.  Past history of sexual addictions and crimes don't matter.
 

I left shaking my head and my soul shattered.  I left questioning and wandering why we feel faith is of importance and the one who is suppose to care matter if he really does (No feedback, points, judgements needed for my feelings, they are mine to sort and own).  I left not knowing once again how to trust a process that I cannot see any good from, a process that is so full of disappointment and pain.

In summary, this is summed up with the words that have repeated themselves in so many ways with "I left".  Not by choice or desire, but by no choice or control.  I left my efforts to protect a dangerous situation, I left myself, I left my heart broken and shattered.  I left with fear I never wanted to revisit.  I left with the words and the eyes that attacked me many nights behind closed doors.  I left wanting someone to show me, to prove to me that everything will be okay, that I will be okay (but that couldn't happen).  I left knowing there are more pieces to pick up, some to discard some to hold onto.

I feel what little I have left is the circle of those who I hold with the utmost respect and close in my circle.  I know and learn to trust that they know if and when I am ready I will talk and they are there to walk this part of the journey with me as I need with love and no judgement. 


Sometimes the best proctection the pearl has, is within the shell that holds its value.  Once released and extracted the elements can be so much harsher.  For now my shell is my safety.  For now l pick up the pieces and focus back on a daughter who needs me and who enjoys life no matter how hard it is or how brutal it treats her.  She finds and exudes joy in her journey as much as possible.  She shows me who I am trying to find and become.  She shows me beauty when beauty seems gone.

Field of Flowers or the Root of one Weed?

I recently heard about the beauty of differences blended together to bring a greater level of beauty and appreciation.  The contrast came with a picture of tulips blooming amongst wild flowers.  I paused creating this picture of beauty in my mind.  Often times we don't think of blending certain flowers together especially flowers of such different seasons.  God did not design for beauty to only be shown through one season of life.  He however had a picture of this beauty to blend one with another to shine and blossom in harmony.  Just as shorter broader tulips amongst the tall flowy wind blown wild flowers.  Reds, yellows, purples amongst the sea of green grass.   Oh to be caught in a field of harmony displayed by difference.

My thoughts pondered and wondered on how often beauty can be deceptive by what appears as beautiful flowers.  Bindweed came to mind.  Its appearance and resemblance of that of morning glory's.  However,  the tiniest root or piece of a broken leaf drops to the ground completely unnoticed.  In a short period of time it has firmly rooted itself in the ground blooming with leaves of green and buds of beautiful pure white flowers.  It seems to be such a welcoming addition to a bed and field of flowers in bloom.  Before we know it, this once thought beauty decieved us with its presence and slowly choked and stripped away who we once thought we were.  We became so caught up in the act of someones kindness, we did not realize that while we were mesmerized with the kindness and beauty they shown they would in enough time choke and strip out the very beauty of one flower blended by a field of other flowers.  That effect until noticed and stopped would soon strip and choke the entire field. 

I thought about this and the relavance that God would teach us through his word.  He talks about being cautious of the things and people that become planted and rooted in our lives.  Just like sin, its first appearance shows in what they eye sees in its beauty till it takes root.  We must recognize first the deception and lurance of false beauty before it takes root.  The work and labor becomes more intense later by the need for ridding our lives of the damage and rubbage of such weeds.  Assess and cultivate the areas and things that need pruning before the deception roots deep.  Blend beautiful difference of others and work together to create beauty that can spread for miles tied merged by friendship.

Magic Erasers or Dirty Clay

Sitting here thinking about what the stories of our life would be like if we could take a magic eraser to the the marks wounds and bruises of life. As we erased the eraser itself would discinegrate along with the troubles and trials we try to say good bye to.

It is not like that though. If we were so easily able to erase all the things we didn't like there would be no room for growth and strength as well as the character needing molded. We would not be pulled stretched and pounded to become something beautiful. Essentially we would be a soggy useless clump of clay lying in its own puddle of sorrow.

We must be willing to not just be wiped away and covered over but dug up, thrown down, kneaded and beaten, before we can begin to have the masters gentle hands begin to cup around us smoothing out the rough edges while he builds us up.

The work however, does not stop there. Once formed he lets us sit rest and catch our breath knowing he is not finished with us. There are better things coming but not without out pain and sorrow and a lot of heat. In order for our pots to be perfected in beauty and be used they must be fired in the refiners fire. It is there in all of the heat of life when we wonder how much we can withstand and if the cracks have all been sealed or if we will crack some more.

But the masters knows his work and the beauty he is bringing about no matter how painful the process is. It all cannot happen without be willing to not erase but embrace the trials of life. Just a lump of clay is not all that beautiful. The real beauty comes from being walked on, picked at, dug at, and beaten down before being chosen to be used.

Magic erasers would only rid our lives of the ugly dirty clump of mud that seems to offer nothing. The dirty spots of life that come with cracks and shattered pieces. We can truly be thankful we are not the master or have easy acess to the magic erasers to life.

Misfits and Apples

Our church recently had a 20th Anniversary celebration.  As I sat back in awe and wonder at how the church began and how far it has come, my heart beamed with pride.  You see this little church in a little community was termed the misfit church.  Why, one might ask?  Simply because they were not afraid to be different and stand out.  They were not afraid to be real and relevant in a transparent sort of way.  Of course my mind continued to wander.  Many of us whether we would like to admit it or not are misfits.

What is a misfit? If we look at a dictionary definition it is something that fits badly or able to adjust to its circumstance or surroundings.  How many of us have been in places where we just don't seem to fit?  How many of us for the sake of morals made a willful decision to stand out and not fit in?  Society even places all of us as misfits one time or another.  There is the you are too pretty or not pretty enough, your too poor or too rich for my taste, your too smart or your intelligence is not what I am looking to connect with, your too perfect or your disabled, to you have too much baggage for a friendship of my kind. 

So what made this little church so different was they were not afraid of the misfits nor afraid to be a misfit.  You see at one point it was a "biker" church.  What people show up with a bunch of motorcycles for church?  You see it is not what you come in on or the clothes on your back that make you fit or unfit for the love of Christ we are to extend to a fallen world.  Must one always feel that in order to find a church they must establish a good wardrobe?  Must one get their act together before coming to find a way to pick up their broken pieces?  Of course not!

While we all go through life looking for glue to hold our world together, or a strong back bone showing our outer strength because we are too afraid that there are times in life that are difficult, we all look to strive to make sure we have a place we will fit in, in one way or another.

Jesus himself was a misfit from conception to birth to his death.  What of his life was normal?  Conceived from mere thought and intervention of someone greater than any could imagine without even an earthly father involvement who happened to be informed after the fact.  Then he never got the ideal conditions for an ideal birth.  He was born in a stable.  A stinky unclean stable to host animals not people at the worst time of year where it was all about political fair share of tax reporting.  He walked his whole life sticking out like a sore thumb sharing stories and teachings, preforming miracles, and calling himself the Messiah the I am.  He walked among the poor, the rich, the healthy and the sick.  He made the lame walk and the blind to see.  What person could do this and not be counted as a misfit?  After all it would make people talk and it certainly did, that such a person could preform such feats of deeds.  Where did he come from they probably asked?  What group of people did he come from?  What he was born in a stable?  Who is this person?  Yes a misfit at his finest.

Did he let it stop the work that God had brought him to do?  Certainly not.  Did the little church I attend let the fact they were different and not afraid to be different stop them from being real to do God's work.  Certainly not!  So many times we miss prime opportunities of quiet ministry from trying to be the perfect apple in the bushel.  You see, I often refer to the group of people at my church as a bunch of odd apples.  We are all different.  Just as apples come in different varieties we come with different personalities and families.  Apples come clean and polished, just like people.  Of course then their are the apples that come from the tree with holes the worms have eaten their way through from the core.  They may be badly bumped and bruised.  Many of us come with bumps and bruises and holes that feel like they have been eaten in our heart.

There is something special to be said about misfits and apples.  They were all put here for a purpose.  A purpose to be different.  A purpose to stand out.  Sometimes the greatest ministry to a hurting world is the real relevant people who have walked the ups and downs of life.  It is the hurting people who can relate to those who have hurt before them.  The misfits looking for more misfits with happy endings.  The bumped and bruised and almost rejected apples still looking for their purpose.

Apples with tough shiny skin beaming under a bright light in your grocery store are just like those who appear to have it all together.  Their personalities offer the sweetest most delicious taste.  One that most would desire.  What happens if the apple sits too long without a purpose greater than itself?  It becomes misfit and broken down.  An apple that begins to feel the bumps and bruises of life.  Just like people we often times start off the perfect way appearing to have it all together until one day we have been dropped or left to sit idly unwanted for too long.

Then of course there are the apples packaged in bags.  They are not quite perfect to show their best side under a beaming light, but they serve a purpose for a better price.  They are on the smaller side, maybe a hidden imperfection hidden from the label of the bag.  Again like people placing themselves amongst crowds hoping to hide some of their imperfections.  Not quite perfect to stand out as a leader but good enough to not appear too different from a crowd, hoping to keep attention away from themselves. 

What about the ones who don't fit in at all.  The ones who never make it past the orchard.  The ones the worms have nested in the flower waiting for the day to eat their way out.  The ones who have been eaten and bruised from the outside from the locust and other destructive insects.  The misshaped, poor skin color, wrong variety.  Misfit apples for sure.  Who wants them?  What good are they?  Can they even serve a purpose?

Some of the greatest examples of the Bible came from the misfits that God used for a greater purpose.  Ruth a widow, Esther an orphan, Rahab a harlot, Leah unwanted wife.  David a giant slayer, Sampson with rare strength, Noah and his ark, Daniel with lions, Paul and Silas praises taking down the chains of prison, as well as many others.  We already spoke earlier of the misfit life of Jesus.  God used those who stood out and went through some rough terrain and even the most brutal of circumstances to make a difference. 

Just as the unused and unwanted apples seem to have little purpose they all get put together for a greater purpose.  As we know the best apple cider does not come from one variety of wanted apples but from many varieties of unwanted misfits.  They must go through the most brutal of circumstances and be brought to nothing in order to serve their greatest purpose of delightful fresh squeezed apple cider.  Just as examples from the Bible in order for the misfits to come to the greatest purpose of God's plan they were brought to nothing of themselves to be brought to the greater purpose of God.  The sweet reward of lessons and examples of character and strength gone before us.  For Jesus himself, he suffered the greatest undeserving death any could have suffered for the greater purpose.  However, as we all know his death did not stop there.  He was left to rest before he was risen to new life.  Just as the misfit apples turned to apple cider when left to sit and ferment, new life begins to form to bring a new purpose in time of apple cider vinegar.

So when asked about being part of a misfit church who is always looking for more misfits, it is always with a greater purpose of being real and relevant, that we could all sit back and learn about reaching out and extending a hand to fulfill a greater purpose of God's misfit apples.

Reflections

There is something about the end of the year that brings so many to sit and reflect and ponder on what the past year has been to them.  I'm not any different I suppose as this year I seem to ponder so much more.  The year seemed to leave me feeling like a weary traveler.  I often think of the scripture in Psalm 23 where David the psalmist say "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death".

As I watched the weary traveler grow weary and tired I look back and see how easy it is and can be for one to fall.  What have I learned from falling and finding the bottom of the pit?  Once you get to the bottom there is always a way out.  It is ours to decide how long we decide to lay there before digging deep within ourselves to get back up and keep going.  Learning also that sometimes different roads to be traveled are necessary.

I never realized that a phone call would so dramatically change my year and my life.  When I got the call of my mom in the hospital and would need some time in a skilled facility for rehab did I realize how I wished that call would be only that.  With a diagnosis of Alzheimer's  and Multiple Personality Disorder complicated by acute illness little did I know that was only the beginning of working through so much.

Taking the responsibility head on to assure needs were met and things were in order.  I poured every ounce of myself, neglecting all else in my life, to assure understanding and safety.  I reached a point of mortification and betrayal from cared for as well as "friends".  I found myself stripped and hurt and left dealing with painful memories and hurt that had been buried from the past.  I seen new parts of my life that I had blocked from my mind.  These things cannot be opened and brought to light without one realizing they don't want their own children sharing in that same pain. 

One can only reach a point of absolute desperation, after exhausting all resources, and realize somewhere in the feeling of isolation, rejection, and hurt that God was and is closer than we sometimes realize through our pain.

There comes wake ups and realization life's realities.  God is found within oneself not within the modern day church.  Church is not meant for hurting people, it is more of a social club.  One either fits in and belongs or one doesn't.  The word church has been lost from the origin of its original meaning.  People hurt people, whether intentionally or not. In reality simple reason why a personal relationship with God has to become the bigger priority of us all.  Only one who has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you".  Yes the hurt of family and friends brings wounds that only time and God will heal.

For now, the journey into a new chapter of life and a new year.  The new year will bring about the final steps in the beginning of walking away from responsibilities that I can no longer carry.  I will learn to be me and rediscover the me that I am and was meant to be.  Perfect?  No, never!  The new year will hopefully bring about some new strength and research for physical healing that will be mine for the working and striving for.  Glad to say good bye and ready to welcome the new.

Needs and Wants

Coming quietly to the still waters to find strength and peace, I could not help but share my burden with one who could carry my load much better than I.  As I sit and listen amidst this beautiful artistry picture in my mind of a babbling brook, the rustling leaves amidst a warm spring day, and the birds singing beautiful music my mind wonders to the place of how God uses these things he created to meet needs and wants.

In my reflection I am reminded of Philippians 4:19 which says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."(NIV)   He said ALL my needs.  Then I am reminded of Psalm 37:4 where he says, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." (NIV)  

Sitting amongst the picture I have created full of color and wonderful sounds, I could not help but reflect on the needs and wants of my life right now and how he so meticulously brought so many things together to supply our needs as well as our wants.  Those wants, when I once sit back to appreciate the bigger picture, bring music to a trouble heart.

Yes, my needs may seem big and garbled and my wants maybe out of context amidst the distractions of life, but he promises that when I trust and seek him and come to the quiet waters he will meet not just my needs but my desires.  It is there that I have come to find the real desires of my heart, in the picture that he so beautifully painted.

Calm Eyes

As I have pondered and weighed this topic so heavy, I began to realize how much I need to learn from the calmness of eyes.  I have always know that I could not change the circumstances which may arise or surround me, but I can certainly change how I look at it or my attitude in how I deal with it.

There seems to be so many tornadoes and hurricanes to life sometimes and we seem to feel like we are spinning and being thrown out of control.  But somehow in the center of every tornado and hurricane the eye is always calm.  As I have often found myself crying out to God begging and pleading to bring the storms of life to a stop he reminds me it is all part of the refining process.  I came to realize through those quiet moments I was searching for peace and serenity he was reminding me to keep my eyes focused on him.  Come to the center of the storms where it is calm.  Yes, I can certainly see all that goes on around me from the center, but the center in his eyes and arms is that place of safety, peace, calmness, and serenity that can be found no where else.

If my eyes lose focus and become distracted from the circumstances of life then I can expect to lose site of the prize to which he is calling me to.  My prize my calm eyes in the storm can only be continuously focused toward him.  Eyes that feel pain with such great love and yet bring an uncanny sense of indescribable peace.