Baptism Recap
10-2-20
Last night I was given the most beautiful experience by
choosing to follow a path of obedience to what I knew my father wanted me to
do. The process leading to the
experience did not come without resistance and a game of tug of war between God
and Satan. I briefly explained how I was
feeling numb, yet I could sense things on both sides of me. The closer the opportunity came I could feel
them moving and the opposition pulling me in two different directions.
I had been going through the week with frustrations to
health issues and this feeling of numbness that was almost leaving me with no
spiritual hunger or feeling. It was not
a feeling I liked or could appreciate.
It became a war all its own.
Again, though I knew God was calling me to baptism. I had such a strong feeling of what I knew it
was to represent and what the process was to look like for me. It was not so much this outwardly expression
to those who would watch, but this choice of choosing to be dipped and cleansed
at a deeper level under the anointed washing water of the Holy Spirit. I had to choose to put myself in the hands
of the process. I had to face this fear
of being submerged in water, where I had to choose to relinquish control and
complete trust in someone else. I had to
release this hidden fear of water submerging that I held.
I look back on the day and as I watched so many pieces of
the puzzle come together, it was only a puzzle that God could orchestrate. I had this picture of how I thought the plan
was supposed to work despite all the opposing forces. I had arrangements to have a ride with a friend
and was going to push through in riding along for obedience no matter how I
felt. At what would seem like a last-minute
change God still had a plan and a purpose that I could not see. He had to challenge and expose yet another
area of my heart that I was in, amid this struggle. Disappointment, frustration, defeat, guilt,
and a few others came charging in through a cracked door. I had texted my really good friend to express a few my feelings, As I tried to
process all this diverse amount of thoughts, I text her again, asking her to
give me a call to help me process the deepest feeling of the fact I felt like I
let Satan win, for what I could not seem to control. I was struggling so much health-wise that
day, I knew it would not be safe for me to travel and travel alone an hour
away.
While I was dealing with my thoughts and emotions and while
talking with my friend about my feelings, God was at work. He was passionately pursuing the very thing he
was calling me to do. The game of tug of
war intensified and God was not backing down. I just had to be willing to continue to say
yes father and pull harder to your will for my life.
As I was on the phone with my dear friend, I received a
message from another friend who I was only getting to know through Facebook. I had never physically met her. Her message basically said she heard I was
looking and needing a ride to the service that night. I melted in tears to my other friend on the
phone through the intense fog as I could see God’s pursuit of his plan. I welcomed the ride and trusted my friend who
I was on the phone with who played a part in setting it all up. I trusted the process and realized I was
seeing how my heart was continually being healed as I accepted to get in a car
as a passenger for an hour one way for someone I had not yet physically
met. Those that know me, know this is
not of my character or within my comfort zone.
I came to learn that she had only found out about the
baptism just a few hours prior by running into Kevin in Walmart. I find this funny as I do not like much about
Walmart and could be found to question what good things can come from Walmart. Let me answer that. God!
God will set things up in the most unlikely of places as pieces of a much
bigger divine plan.
As my friend prepared to go that evening, she had a
question and had tried to reach out to Kevin who was unavailable, so she
reached out to his wife, Amy. Amy had
just learned from me the change in my plans and the disappointment that I was
wrestling with. Had she been able to
reach Kevin, my need for a ride would not have been known. The pieces had to fit together just right for
God’s picture to be revealed of his passionate love and pursuit for me.
My friend picked me up and the next hour would continue to be
such a beautiful thing. I started off
struggling to communicate due to intense brain fog. I had to continue to place my trust for
strength and clarity for what I was to receive by my act of obedience to what I
was being called to do. I ended up
sharing my testimony story with her as she drove. The further we went and the more I shared
about the love and goodness of what God was doing in my life through the wonderful
people he is placing in it, I noticed the brain fog lift and my conversation
became clear. Another element and realization
of the war I was in. The more I
continued to follow the choice the father was calling me in, I was being
released from the opposition. It was
losing its power on me. A victory
release was on the horizon.
We arrived and found a place to park and I would still find
myself wrestling with some anxiety I had been dealing with about the process as
well as being in an unfamiliar environment.
As we approached, I hadn’t noticed it much until I walked in the door of
the church, but the atmosphere was changing.
As soon as I stepped in, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit
that had already made Himself at home as he settled in and blanketed the area
for all who walked through the doors. He
so beautifully prepared the place and people for what he was about to do that
night.
There seemed to be no hesitation in the atmosphere and the anointing
of the worship. I honestly have to say,
it was almost hard to explain. As the
one song was being played and sang, I broke into tears over the mere thought as
the words would penetrate my heart. “You’re
the Alpha and Omega…” I was stuck and
froze on the concept of that phrase. The
idea of the beginning and the end. I got
this vision of a single egg illuminated in an ovary of a mother’s womb. I was reminded of his beautiful process of
how he brings us into his beginning of our life and a glimpse of his
ending. As I watched this single
illuminated egg follow this path that would lead to the Omega symbol, I
realized the symbol was that of a gated entrance to heaven. The only opening in the symbol would be the part
that would be on a path's edge much like that of an arbor. I could see the radiance of what appeared to
be glorious heaven beyond the symbol.
I was reminded of this one-way in.
As I tried to once again wrap my thoughts into this glorious vision, I
felt myself wondering, but God how does it fit into you are the Alpha and Omega
when the vision seemed to start as me in the form of an egg. It was simple. He gently spoke I delicately formed that
egg. It started with me and my
plan. The omega shows you a glimpse of
the last of my eternal plan to live in heaven with me. I was so captivated by this mere thought of
love and passion of father who included me and you into his beginning and end
into his Alpha and Omega.
As I found myself leaving this captivating vision and
re-engaging in worship, I would be caught in several other encounters. One which seemed to happen several
times. That one was feeling his presence
so close to me I could feel the breeze and air of him putting a glorious robe
down over my head and letting it drape my body as he was clothing me in his
pure and beautiful presence. The first
one my friend said she saw the angel beside me. I later learned the fragrance that I was
smelling (I thought should come from the soap I used on my hands but didn’t)
was the fragrance of the flower petals this angel was tossing on and around
me. I thought about this beautiful
moment late last night as I realized it was symbolic of his lavish love and
royalty for me. I could almost picture
it as that of one preparing the walkway for a bride. The romantic aroma of the flower petals in
celebration of the bride and the bridegroom. Oh, how he celebrates us.
One other pivotal vision I experienced during worship was
when the anointing fell upon one of the worship leaders as an intercession for
worship was occurring. As I was taking
it all in, I watched a large number of angels’ release from and make their way
throughout the sanctuary as they walked and flew above and among the
people. You could feel them and feel
their light breeze blow as they would pass by or over you.
I would learn that many were being healed and touched just
merely from the presence of the Holy Spirit just in the worship alone. What a way to prepare for a message on
forgiveness, shame, and guilt. God would
use that message to have me look at some things in my heart I had been
wrestling with recently as part of the preparation for baptism.
I was standing back somewhat observing simply for the fact I
was wrestling within myself that this was going to be a life-changing
experience and I had to be ready to take another deep level of commitment of
being all for the one I was finding such love for. I was feeling intimidated and doubt. Yet I knew Satan was going to still keep
trying clear up to the last minute in whatever way he could. As I noticed Kevin look and wait for the next
person, he spotted me and called me out to take my turn. Ugh! The butterflies that would rise as I realized
there was no turning back. I had so many
things run through my head as I would make my way up and into the baptismal. Kevin, spoke a few words about the
opportunity of knowing me for the past two years and the transformation he has
got to watch take place. The key moment
of when he first met me or more less saw me, I had a knife and pepper spray in
my hand ready to take out anyone who dare come near. The steps and processes that would take place
as he got to be part of taking me through deliverance, watching my life grow
and transform, to now have the honor and privilege to be the one to baptize me. It was such a divine plan by God. As I came back up out of the water, trying to
catch my breath from the vision, yet this last unhinged anxiety release over my
issue with water submersion (out of my control) I felt but for a moment
disconnected yet I was still captivated by glimpses of the vision I seen as I
went down and came up.
I have always wrestled with the assurance of my faith, as
well as heaven. So much stemming from
years of legalism. I knew this baptism
was a portion of a deeper pursuant run after Jesus. It was also a cleansing process by which is the blood that was shed this water, would represent the washing away of those
things that would yet try to remain. As
I went down and came back up, I was taken into another complete different
realm, where I found myself facing the heavenly and the Omega as I saw the
brightest most brilliant clouds and Jesus standing there with his arms outstretched
as I heard him say run to me and after me.
It was this radiant call of pursuit.
It seemed like so much happened in such a pivotal time as I felt like I
lost another block of time, from being caught up and wrapped in the love and
assurance of my father’s love.
There ended up being one more key thing that happened while
I was in the baptismal. Someone had
stepped up to the edge and wanted to speak something to me. As she began to speak it was like I watched a
blind being pulled because the father had one more moment and word for me. I broke down in tears with what probably
seemed like a connection to what was being said, but it was what the father drew
me into to say to my heart. On this
blind, that was drawn and I had this feeling of being in a soundproof room, I
would see the word “passionate” displayed on this blind. I later realized this room I was drawn into was
one that I had been familiar with many years ago from time spent in a psychiatric
hospital. He momentarily took me back to
this room as a way of healing and releasing another area of my heart. That area that still had some hidden
connected feelings that he was giving new meaning and life into.
It was different as he would say ‘I am passionately in love
with you.” Those words would break me as
I had developed a deeper sense of safety and peace in his presence. Nothing of the outside world would be able to
enter this representation of safety. What love of a father
that would pull you closer to show you something far greater.
As I watched anther baptism occur with someone I know, I witnessed
a completely different vision and one I honestly have to say I would have ever
expected. This young man on fire for the
things of Jesus came out of the water being delivered. He came out of the water shaking and
convulsing under the power of deliverance and the Holy Spirit. As I watched this occur, I saw the layers of
this heavy metal armor being ripped by pieces off him. I knew it was the hand of God taking away the
heavyweight of an old armor of protection that he was carrying. I ended up sharing with him what I saw and
felt God saying. The old armor was heavy
and cumbersome. It represented
protection from past things. But God’s
armor is much lighter, more effective, and will always be what he needs for
any battle.
Towards the end of the baptism line of people, I watched this
young girl get baptized and being set free in the baptismal. I ended up seeing this snake that was weakening
and loosening itself from her and then finally releases and vanishes. It still gives
me chills to see so many beautiful details packed into last night. Deliverance and freedom are such beautiful
things as you realize the depths of love God has for freeing those he
loves. He is so passionate to adopt his
children to love, nurture, and create beautiful masterpieces to put on
display for his glory.
We had such another wonderful drive home with wonderful
conversation, and I was so blessed to better know my new friend and God’s
beautiful plan for the day. It was late
and we were both quite tired. I would
eventually find my way into bed, and my mind continually replaying what seemed
like a clip of a movie. I would wake in
the middle of the night around 2:00am as God was waking me up intermittently to
finish showing me bits and pieces to all that had played out. The final pieces in place and I would wake
this morning in such praise, adoration, and song. I was fatigued but minimal fog. He assured me he would help me accomplish
what needed to be accomplished with one condition. I had to be flexible to his plan and order of
the day. It would seem like I kept
jumping from thing to thing or back and forth, but because I let my father tell
me what to do when and what breaks were needed at what times from certain
activities, I was surprised yet grateful at was accomplished. Even the little things make a difference in
our learning to “Let Go, Let God”. Those “Be Still and Know” moments.
10-4-20 Update
I am going to add a correction to this post. I removed what I felt God needed me to remove. I want to say, our father loves us so much that he will show us when we miss something or share something that is not part of his reflection. I was humbled by how, who, and what he used to show a lesson in Satan's deceptive ways. How our perception or view of something can be missed or mispresented that may not be of our father.
As I pause my thoughts I am reminded of the saying the greater the call God has for your life, the greater the warfare of Satan. He sure kept trying even after he lost. Even though he lost at the game of tug of war, he kept trying to see if one end of my rope was still available. It is so important to be aware and mindful and keep it a prayer for God to discern or redirect what would not be of him as well as be open to correction.
I was gently put in a place to view something that caused me to look in the mirror and see a glimpse of myself. I realized how often, the real heart of who I was could be missed by others' perception of me and what they saw, but they may not have really known about me. How satan can form and present thoughts and visions himself that reflect something much different than what the true reality may be for an individual or ourselves. Our human ability sees so much from the outside and easily leans to perception and an assumption of what we see. Only that individual like myself in times of life only knows along with God the depths of pain and truth that Satan may misconstrue differently or try to get us to see. I was reminded by a loving father to be careful of what I say and present for a situation I never walked or had direct contact or experience with involving the life of another.
How many times I wanted granted to me that same thing, and here it is, he let me look in the mirror for a self-evaluation He sees beyond what we see or what Satan may want us to see. Some things are not ours to always interpret or present. I am in awe of the love and correction of a father who always seeks to refine and purify us. Who loves us enough to correct us so that he is reflected and beauty continues to arise and shine through all of his children.
