Reflections

There is something about the end of the year that brings so many to sit and reflect and ponder on what the past year has been to them.  I'm not any different I suppose as this year I seem to ponder so much more.  The year seemed to leave me feeling like a weary traveler.  I often think of the scripture in Psalm 23 where David the psalmist say "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death".

As I watched the weary traveler grow weary and tired I look back and see how easy it is and can be for one to fall.  What have I learned from falling and finding the bottom of the pit?  Once you get to the bottom there is always a way out.  It is ours to decide how long we decide to lay there before digging deep within ourselves to get back up and keep going.  Learning also that sometimes different roads to be traveled are necessary.

I never realized that a phone call would so dramatically change my year and my life.  When I got the call of my mom in the hospital and would need some time in a skilled facility for rehab did I realize how I wished that call would be only that.  With a diagnosis of Alzheimer's  and Multiple Personality Disorder complicated by acute illness little did I know that was only the beginning of working through so much.

Taking the responsibility head on to assure needs were met and things were in order.  I poured every ounce of myself, neglecting all else in my life, to assure understanding and safety.  I reached a point of mortification and betrayal from cared for as well as "friends".  I found myself stripped and hurt and left dealing with painful memories and hurt that had been buried from the past.  I seen new parts of my life that I had blocked from my mind.  These things cannot be opened and brought to light without one realizing they don't want their own children sharing in that same pain. 

One can only reach a point of absolute desperation, after exhausting all resources, and realize somewhere in the feeling of isolation, rejection, and hurt that God was and is closer than we sometimes realize through our pain.

There comes wake ups and realization life's realities.  God is found within oneself not within the modern day church.  Church is not meant for hurting people, it is more of a social club.  One either fits in and belongs or one doesn't.  The word church has been lost from the origin of its original meaning.  People hurt people, whether intentionally or not. In reality simple reason why a personal relationship with God has to become the bigger priority of us all.  Only one who has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you".  Yes the hurt of family and friends brings wounds that only time and God will heal.

For now, the journey into a new chapter of life and a new year.  The new year will bring about the final steps in the beginning of walking away from responsibilities that I can no longer carry.  I will learn to be me and rediscover the me that I am and was meant to be.  Perfect?  No, never!  The new year will hopefully bring about some new strength and research for physical healing that will be mine for the working and striving for.  Glad to say good bye and ready to welcome the new.