Transparent Journey of Love Beautifully Broken

I have come to love silence.  What once scared me and I seem to think I would never experience is now the part of life I find peace and pure enjoyment of the moments it offers. 

There was a point in life when the voices of my past, present, and future would scream within my mind as they all seemed to be running wildly with no control or taming.  The lies that had been told to me over many years that at one point I was good at stuffing had risen to the surface.  I believed them so much I ended up participating in their game by adding lies of my own that I treated as truths.  I spent countless energy living up to what others believed and said of me endlessly trying to live up to the expectations of others and the world all while looking for love and acceptance.  This endless exhaustion of fighting the negative screaming inside my head and endless exhaustion of living to please others would eventually lead to a nervous breakdown,  My past had bound me tightly with its chains of worthless destruction that I could not see the value that was underneath the weight of it all.  I thought God had walked away so I had chosen to walk away.  I thought he went back on his promises so why would I continue a path in a relationship with another promise breaker?

After the nervous breakdown and truly losing all of myself, I found myself in a position of the desperation of wanting to see if God and I could fit in each other's lives again.  I wanted to find the God I wanted to know about, not the God who I thought I knew, but who I wanted to know.  I wanted to find the God of acceptance, love, forgiveness, and freedom.  I so clearly remember thinking it is coincidental the timing of Sheila W. book and study coming out called In The Middle Of The Mess.  I was caught deep in the middle of my mess with nowhere to go or turn and all my efforts of trying to find myself and find my voice on my own only led to further destruction of myself.  I had now reached a point of almost complete isolation except for my screaming racing thoughts.  I desperately wanted it all to stop and life to end.  Many times I would say what kind of life and promise is this?  Is this called love?  In those moments of learning how Sheila talked about reaching and learning complete honesty with God, I found myself learning to be real and brutally honest with a God that I was afraid of.  I reached a point that all my honesty could get me was what I thought I so desperately wanted; a desperate end to life.  That did not turn out to be the plan.  The plan that I could not see at the time was to allow me to safely learn to dump and express myself in the most vulnerable ugly way I knew how and show me safety which would later show me, love.  At one point in the process while driving in a really bad thunderstorm and watching lightning strike down and hit the road several hundred feet up in front of me, I slammed on my brakes, hitting my hands off the steering wheel, while putting my head further to the windshield looking up at the sky in complete anger and disgrace saying "Really, God, you missed!"  Talk about ugly and brutal.  The process was not a quick one by any means, as I still did not trust God.  Matter of fact, I still struggle with trust.  He knew where I was, he knew my heart was broken and shattered, he also knew he had a plan for my life.  He knew I needed a place to express my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with love and not judgment.  He knew I needed to find safety in learning to take baby steps to trust again.

As time would oh so slowly progress, he would begin to place the people he wanted in my life that I could have never done on my own.  People who would either continue to walk through my mess (the very few lefts) and the people who would enter in the middle of the mess and speak life into me.  Those who saw what I did not see.  Those who had hope when I had no hope and would find ways to carry me or lift me up when I would fall or fall back.

Living with nightmares/ terrors, flashbacks, and debilitating fear left me desperate for healing as I slowly was reaching for hope.  I would try in whatever little means I could form in my mind fight to find some type of help for myself.  Those countless, raw brutal prayers of the desperation of please God do something show me something because your plan is just not fair right now would not always be the answers I was looking for but small cracks of opportunity to continue putting one step forward at a time.  When I had no mind left to do simple tasks, he would hear my prayer and one small step at a time would calmly give me a thought or guide me one step at a time.  It was no longer still just for 5 minutes but one small thing at a time, one thing of thanks at a time (sometimes just washing a coffee pot) to keep me moving forward towards finding hope in what seemed to be a hopeless time of life.  As those little things would grow and the direction to helping myself would grow, I slowly started coming around and finding breaks of small moments of being okay.  While experiencing those breaks of feeling okay, I would experience many fears and negative feelings with them as well.  I truly had to begin to learn to accept it was okay to not be okay and okay was safe and good as well.  I had to learn to accept and love my okays and not okays.  A beginning process of learning to change and renew my thoughts and mind.  Making choices to not wanting to be consumed by the lies of not living up or being good enough.  All I had to do at the time was be good enough for one small task and one positive thought at a time.  Much harder than it sounds for a person who was stuck in a cycle of self negative destruction from traumas of the past. 

One small prayer at a time would eventually lead to opportunities while watching things online on trauma, deliverance, etc.  I was still under the mindset I had to work my way to meeting God halfway in order for him to accept me fully.  But in this process, that small quiet yet at times loud prayers of slow my racing mind and silence the negative screaming voices in my head would be just the small steps needed for me to gain small steps of trust.  So much of what I didn't see at the time, I can now look back and see now.  Truly from a God of love and acceptance for each beautiful broken shattered piece of my life.

I clearly remember a couple months ago around the beginning of March watching an online message by Kevin Riordan on Breaking Trauma I will try to watch it if I can stay connected to wifi.  Totally a God thing as I rarely ever manage to watch something beginning to end.  He got to the end of his message and then began to lead everyone in prayer.  Once again I told myself I will go along with the prayers.  What do I have to lose to just participate, but nothing will happen.  I haven't made it far enough for God to meet me where I am on this journey.  Let's just say God has a sense of humor and had other plans.  Right there sitting on my bed, I found myself completely broken before God in a completely different way.  That night I started experiencing deliverance and healing from trauma and a broken heart.  I wasn't quite sure what all was taking place as there was so much I experienced over several hours.  That was the night the nightmares/ terrors would end.  Not even a week later, God would once again meet me in another real way I would totally not expect to bring another level of healing to a wounded shattered heart.  I would be touched by his presence twice in a powerful way that brought about two visions.  One vision was laying in a white cloud with gray shadows.  I would come to realize the connection was being pillowed by the soft comfort and love of the father and my shame and shadows were being absorbed and pulled from within me and would no longer define my shame.  The second encounter and vision was seeing a bright soft orange glowing light that would later form a soft red fuzzy heart cloud that would allow me to understand a glimpse of radiance and a love that was not cookie cutter defined but full of soft love, and not something sharp and harsh that I had come to know. 

As I sat last night, in the much-appreciated silence while spending time in my Journaling Bible I was reflecting on the many miracles and healing that has been taking place in my life recently.  I have hit some difficult times and spots feeling as if I lost myself and my salvation but coming back around despite how I was feeling and the circumstances that were lies trying to define me, I was still loved and cared for by a God who loves me and cares for my hurts and feelings.  As I watched the impossible with my dog become a miracle that would transform before my eyes and needs are met in ways I could never fathom or expect let alone do on my own, all because he cares about so many small details and uses those details to show glimpses of his love for me.  To be reunited with my dog after two years and be greeted as if I was never forgotten and it was just 5 minutes ago and be loved so unconditionally and give back as if time was never remembered showed me an aspect of unconditional love that does not put time requirements and restrictions in place for definition of love.  The miracle of life and healing even in his creation and gifts of our beloved pets.  How much more does he love me and the details of my life I have not yet realize matter so much to him to save my life from an untimely death, just like he helped me save my dog's life from an untimely death.

As I continue to grow in this process I am learning to step out and do things, face things I would have never thought I would be able to face.  Yes scary, but empowering to be given strength and courage to face my fears and challenge the lies and thoughts that would try to continue to debilitate me.  Truly a renewing of my mind in the process. 

As I spent some time in Philippians last night I was empowered by the words of Paul when he says "Focus on this one thing:  Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead...Hold onto to the progress we have already made."  I can leave the past of abuse (others and self), trauma, etc behind.  It no longer defines who I am.  I can hold on to the progress with how far I have come in my freedom and healing.  The process of finding beautiful in broken.  The words spoken in Joel 2:25 "I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army which I sent you." are truly being played out as I watch in awe the things that I thought were of value to be taken and replaced with something so much greater.  The things I once thought were lost coming back in miraculous ways with such a greater appreciation because of broken and shattered being beautiful.  While brokenness beyond myself was once thought of as deaths cry for desperation, is becoming something beautiful.  It was necessary in order to change all the once was, and begin to learn the "I am beginning a new thing" as beautiful.  No shame no regrets, just valuable lessons that now offer appreciation to learning to experience love, forgiveness, and acceptance that I would have never known otherwise.

I realize my transparency and journey has not been seen as beautiful, but beauty is not always found without digging and persevering through the dark and dirty parts of life.  The mining of diamonds in the coal, the mining of gold from the muddy ground, the breaking and cracking of clams to find the priceless pearls.  It takes work to find beauty in what needs to become broken first.  I have no idea about the purpose of my pain and transparency, but I am finding the purpose of no longer hiding running and trying to hide from shame in the wrong direction.  I don't know who my story maybe for one day, but I do know my story is not over and has given me a beautiful story of love and redemption for myself by a God who loves me just as I am who saw that my time here was not finished and has a greater purpose beyond what I may try to want to plan but that he is planning for me.

Jesus Loves YOU!

Jesus Loves YOU!

My heart became heavy as tears welled up in my eyes and a weight from the pit of my stomach consumed me from a beginning understanding of love.    The words that Kevin Riordon spoke from across the table at an Alpha Bible study kept coming back speaking to me.  Jesus Loves You.  Jesus Loves You.  Jesus Loves YOU!  I struggled to hear these words several weeks ago on March 21, especially coming from a male figure.  I was there but not there, as I fought so hard with being vulnerable yet protecting my heart and myself.  I quickly refused prayer as my thoughts and belief I had come to form is that I don’t have enough right or in order for God to do something or meet me where I am instead of me meeting him halfway.  Those words never left me, as I still tried to grasp the level of this concept.  Yes, I knew Jesus loved me, but I came to believe Jesus loved me with conditions because of the lies that I formed and accepted from my past.  Honestly, if Jesus is a male figure I was not sure how much I wanted to let Jesus love me.  To me, that represented a level of hurt and trust I did not want to deal with.

As the words continued resonating and speaking audibly in my mind, I tried to go about preparing myself for the day by heading to the shower.  There is something about the shower for me that has become a place of releasing grief, tears, and emotions.  Today was different in that I was hit by seeing my past hurts from others as brokenness.  Those that have hurt and that I have hurt are all broken in some way.  I became consumed as a picture of Jesus looking down from the cross in anguish noticing the broken pieces of each life and saying “See that piece?  Look at the beauty that still remains in its brokenness.  I hang here for each piece represented.”   As I wept, the picture and revelation continued, as I saw him cry out to his father, saying “why have you forsaken me?”   The revelation became real as I saw how he took what was perfect and allowed it to become broken and scarred.  God could not take the anguish of watching brokenness of his son unfold for a fallen broken world.  He knew that in order to write the story of redemption and love, he had to allow brokenness and loss to happen to his perfect gift.  A gift, which up until the cross, carried no scars.

As I kept reflecting the weight of my own brokenness and how he allowed me to become so broken, unknown, and completely losing myself and others.  He knew the greater purpose would one day unfold a different understanding of love, forgiveness, and redemption.  As he pointed out those pieces from the cross I could see and hear in the tears, “see that broken beautiful piece?”, “I am here”.   I wept at the concept that in all of my brokenness, anger, craziness, etc. that he allowed in order to do something new he anguished for me in love.  He saw all my broken pieces and the broken pieces of others while he hung on the cross alone (and without his father) for me. 

In the past week, I had started praying; let me begin to see glimpses of your love and forgiveness.  I did not expect to become pain-free for several hours just to become attacked with pain in different ways I did not expect.  But he knew if I remained pain-free, I would become busy.  So in the pain and misery, I chose not to forget what I saw him doing, even though I was questioning my debilitating level of pain and headaches.  It forced me to slow down and further learn to Be Still and Rest in him.  As I did that and over the past couple days, just merely asking to become more aware of my thoughts as I want to learn not to carry the pain of my past to the future.  I kept asking let me continue to see glimpses of you and your love in my life. 

In all honesty, I am not quite sure I was ready for the gut wrenching sickness and emotions that would  almost brought me to my knees as I gripped the shower wall with my head between my hands consumed by the words, Jesus Loves YOU!

Looking at my own brokenness and understanding another level of beautifully broken, I wondered to myself how many opportunities of showing and expressing love is missed because of brokenness.  When do we (I certainly don’t) tell others they are loved and accepted for their brokenness?  Do we let others know they are beautiful?  We are all Beautifully Broken pieces lying at the foot of a cross that now represents scars of love and redemption.  Beautifully Broken scars.  Scars that now write a different story of unconditional love and sacrifice.

Be Still

3-31-19

Be Still (Let Go), trust and know that I am God.  Give up the control, and the striving that is not yours.  Rest in my unseen greater purpose for your life.  What was intended for harm and destruction, I have intended for good.  Beauty is first started in the most pressing, dirtiest, and darkest of places.  Those conditions are necessary for the real beauty that will break through that is yet unseen.  So “Be Still” and know beauty is beginning in what is yet unseen.

Elijah Quit

3-12-19

Lately, as I continue to search for meaning and more pieces of a lost self as well as a lost faith, I have been finding myself connected to stories from the Bible through books, devotionals, and articles.  I have found a sense of safety in using devotionals, books, and articles rather than the Bible.  I have learned that is okay and God can reveal and speak through different means for different needs.  It is an open transparent heart that he seeks and desires.  He may know our struggles and disappointments but he wants us to share that openly with him as an act of confession.

I have been learning through the different things I have been reading of the stories in the Bible of those who struggled and at times even wanting to give up.  One of the latest examples I read was of the story of Elijah.  I relate so much to hearing God's instruction to do something, just to lose it all and have to flee searching for a place of hiding.  He reached the point in his open honest transparency of basically telling God he quit, begging for his life to be taken.  How many times I have found myself expressing those same words to God.  "God, you told me you had a better plan and freedom for my life to bring me to a place of destitute, loss, and failure?"  "You claim you have great plans for my life, but the weight of my grief and failures consume me."  Yes, those real, raw, honest, transparent questions and statements to God of confusion and utter exhaustion.

What I found interesting and such a connection to was that Elijah wandered (almost as if he was dragging his feet at one point) for 40 days for what should have taken 14 days.  He knew where he wanted to go to find God on the Holy mountain where Moses found God but took a long time to get there.  I honestly believe there is significance in this.  I believe the wandering and the length of time he took to travel to for God to find him hidden in the cave is significant.  I cannot help but wonder if this was part of the grief process he needed.  Was this part of the necessary questioning and wrestling that was necessary as if to come to the end of himself and maybe even his faith.

As he journeyed and with great exhaustion, he was found sleeping and de-plenished of physical needs.  The story goes on to say he was greeted by an angel (could it have been another example of a Good Samaritan in a spiritual form?) waking him to offer him fresh warm bread and water.  I sure would have welcomed the smell of freshly baked warm bread as I was awoken from a deep sleep.  He filled himself and went back to sleep.  As I pondered this thought part of the story I could not help but wonder if he was not only still exhausted physically but emotionally and sleeping extra for the sake of a weary heavy heart filled with depression at this point.

As he was found sleeping he was awoken with the offering of warm bread and water.  An act of love and acceptance for the state and condition he was in.  He was not lectured, reprimanded, or questioned for the state of his physical body, his mind, or his heart.  He was not rejected for his lamenting but accepted and gifted for what he would need for replenishment.  Never once was he told you are dealing with your struggle or emotions incorrectly.  He was later once again awoken but this time by not just an angel but an angel of the Lord that the writer in the book I am reading explained was of the second of the Godhead.  He was encouraged to eat and drink again for the strength needed for his journey ahead.  I am sure as he continued that journey to find God in a secret place he did a lot of thinking, questioning, and transparency of his disappointments.  When he finally made it, he found a cave to find shelter and rest in.  A cave to hide from the weight of the world and the life he traveled to leave behind.  Again, he wasn't condemned for his hiding.  He was simply asked by God why was he there.  Elijah probably still had junk in his trunk that he carried to the cave with him.  There is safeness of wanting to unload and be more real and transparent when we are in a secret hiding place.  As I am learning, God is found in the deep dark cold caves where safety is found to unload what we may find trouble expressing otherwise.  It was once he fully unloaded the junk of disappointments and questions God called him out.  He knew the safety and nonjudgement Elijah needed to unload.  He still allowed the earth around Elijah to be rocked and shook to its core.  He didn't tell Elijah what to do, he as questions to allow Elijah to see his own heart so that God could come to the point of revealing his plan and purpose to which he still called him to do. 

As I come across these stories and examples, I am reminded of how the questions, the wrestling, the depression, and lamenting, were part of the examples and lessons needed to be learned. So often times I am seeing that many things are learned and revealed when we are forced to go through the difficult times of being forced to be real, raw, and honest with our hard questions of life.  Oh, that I may one day learn to count it all joy for the lessons and hard questions I learn to ask in the most difficult circumstances of life.