Elijah Quit

3-12-19

Lately, as I continue to search for meaning and more pieces of a lost self as well as a lost faith, I have been finding myself connected to stories from the Bible through books, devotionals, and articles.  I have found a sense of safety in using devotionals, books, and articles rather than the Bible.  I have learned that is okay and God can reveal and speak through different means for different needs.  It is an open transparent heart that he seeks and desires.  He may know our struggles and disappointments but he wants us to share that openly with him as an act of confession.

I have been learning through the different things I have been reading of the stories in the Bible of those who struggled and at times even wanting to give up.  One of the latest examples I read was of the story of Elijah.  I relate so much to hearing God's instruction to do something, just to lose it all and have to flee searching for a place of hiding.  He reached the point in his open honest transparency of basically telling God he quit, begging for his life to be taken.  How many times I have found myself expressing those same words to God.  "God, you told me you had a better plan and freedom for my life to bring me to a place of destitute, loss, and failure?"  "You claim you have great plans for my life, but the weight of my grief and failures consume me."  Yes, those real, raw, honest, transparent questions and statements to God of confusion and utter exhaustion.

What I found interesting and such a connection to was that Elijah wandered (almost as if he was dragging his feet at one point) for 40 days for what should have taken 14 days.  He knew where he wanted to go to find God on the Holy mountain where Moses found God but took a long time to get there.  I honestly believe there is significance in this.  I believe the wandering and the length of time he took to travel to for God to find him hidden in the cave is significant.  I cannot help but wonder if this was part of the grief process he needed.  Was this part of the necessary questioning and wrestling that was necessary as if to come to the end of himself and maybe even his faith.

As he journeyed and with great exhaustion, he was found sleeping and de-plenished of physical needs.  The story goes on to say he was greeted by an angel (could it have been another example of a Good Samaritan in a spiritual form?) waking him to offer him fresh warm bread and water.  I sure would have welcomed the smell of freshly baked warm bread as I was awoken from a deep sleep.  He filled himself and went back to sleep.  As I pondered this thought part of the story I could not help but wonder if he was not only still exhausted physically but emotionally and sleeping extra for the sake of a weary heavy heart filled with depression at this point.

As he was found sleeping he was awoken with the offering of warm bread and water.  An act of love and acceptance for the state and condition he was in.  He was not lectured, reprimanded, or questioned for the state of his physical body, his mind, or his heart.  He was not rejected for his lamenting but accepted and gifted for what he would need for replenishment.  Never once was he told you are dealing with your struggle or emotions incorrectly.  He was later once again awoken but this time by not just an angel but an angel of the Lord that the writer in the book I am reading explained was of the second of the Godhead.  He was encouraged to eat and drink again for the strength needed for his journey ahead.  I am sure as he continued that journey to find God in a secret place he did a lot of thinking, questioning, and transparency of his disappointments.  When he finally made it, he found a cave to find shelter and rest in.  A cave to hide from the weight of the world and the life he traveled to leave behind.  Again, he wasn't condemned for his hiding.  He was simply asked by God why was he there.  Elijah probably still had junk in his trunk that he carried to the cave with him.  There is safeness of wanting to unload and be more real and transparent when we are in a secret hiding place.  As I am learning, God is found in the deep dark cold caves where safety is found to unload what we may find trouble expressing otherwise.  It was once he fully unloaded the junk of disappointments and questions God called him out.  He knew the safety and nonjudgement Elijah needed to unload.  He still allowed the earth around Elijah to be rocked and shook to its core.  He didn't tell Elijah what to do, he as questions to allow Elijah to see his own heart so that God could come to the point of revealing his plan and purpose to which he still called him to do. 

As I come across these stories and examples, I am reminded of how the questions, the wrestling, the depression, and lamenting, were part of the examples and lessons needed to be learned. So often times I am seeing that many things are learned and revealed when we are forced to go through the difficult times of being forced to be real, raw, and honest with our hard questions of life.  Oh, that I may one day learn to count it all joy for the lessons and hard questions I learn to ask in the most difficult circumstances of life.