This morning I had several things going through my mind when the words of an old hymn I remember from my childhood would not leave my mind. "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him! How I have proved him o'er and o'er." These words stopped me in my thoughts as I sat and pondered some new questions to previous thoughts in my mind.
In recent writing, God had shown me he was leading me to the mountain that I would not have to climb but find my way through the areas of my heart. I looked in the cave of the mountain and approached with fear. Fear of the dark areas of my life. Fear of what I would have to face that would be exposed in his light. Fear of the unknown. Fear of how long it would take me to reach the other side. Fear that had and at times had no reason, but just could be consuming and paralyzing at times.
The other day, I reached that paralyzing moment when all I could manage to do was listen to praise and worship music as a way to sit with him. He used music that day to show me some key things in my life. It was not about the ritual I use to connect or spend time with him. It wasn't about how faithful I was with reading the Bible or reading my devotionals. It was that I simply allowed him myself to just sit with him and allow him to use what he needed to release peace in the dark area of the cave that left me paralyzed with fear I could not explain. In my mind, I kept thinking from a works-based mentality of needing to do everything right, feel alright, have no fear, etc. to be accepted or not rejected by him. I had simply allowed fear to instill an old legalistic way of training and thinking. So here I sat (with no other choice) allowing what he wanted to use to reach an area of my heart he wanted me to face. TRUST!
Trust the word that has repeated itself so much especially the past three days over and over. Do I trust him with my fears and uncertainty? Do I trust that his plan is greater than mine, or what I can imagine? Do I trust that he can continue healing those wounded areas of my heart? Do I trust that he can restore all things? Do I trust that he claims me as his own, and I will one day be in his home free of fear and perfection of wanting to please him (that causes me to stumble)? Do I trust that he will guide me to his plans? Do I trust he will provide for my needs when it seems impossible? Do I simply trust in who he says He is and nothing else should matter?
Where am I putting my trust? Is my trust put in distractions? Is it put in fear? Is it put in the lies from Satan telling me I am not enough? Is my trust in fighting for my own needs in my own strength? Where am I putting my trust?
I think we could all be real and admit there is some area of our life we have to face in the dark cave of our heart he is wanting to shine his light on and ask us to trust there is beauty to be found in this hard stone of the cave wall he wants us to remove, that he will reveal it's contents of a rare gem when we come out on the other side. Trust that at times seems like nothing but dark black coal, but when broken apart from the master a priceless diamond of his provision in any area of our lives to be found. Do I trust him as the hymn says o'er and o'er? Where do I put my trust?
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