Reflections

There is something about the end of the year that brings so many to sit and reflect and ponder on what the past year has been to them.  I'm not any different I suppose as this year I seem to ponder so much more.  The year seemed to leave me feeling like a weary traveler.  I often think of the scripture in Psalm 23 where David the psalmist say "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death".

As I watched the weary traveler grow weary and tired I look back and see how easy it is and can be for one to fall.  What have I learned from falling and finding the bottom of the pit?  Once you get to the bottom there is always a way out.  It is ours to decide how long we decide to lay there before digging deep within ourselves to get back up and keep going.  Learning also that sometimes different roads to be traveled are necessary.

I never realized that a phone call would so dramatically change my year and my life.  When I got the call of my mom in the hospital and would need some time in a skilled facility for rehab did I realize how I wished that call would be only that.  With a diagnosis of Alzheimer's  and Multiple Personality Disorder complicated by acute illness little did I know that was only the beginning of working through so much.

Taking the responsibility head on to assure needs were met and things were in order.  I poured every ounce of myself, neglecting all else in my life, to assure understanding and safety.  I reached a point of mortification and betrayal from cared for as well as "friends".  I found myself stripped and hurt and left dealing with painful memories and hurt that had been buried from the past.  I seen new parts of my life that I had blocked from my mind.  These things cannot be opened and brought to light without one realizing they don't want their own children sharing in that same pain. 

One can only reach a point of absolute desperation, after exhausting all resources, and realize somewhere in the feeling of isolation, rejection, and hurt that God was and is closer than we sometimes realize through our pain.

There comes wake ups and realization life's realities.  God is found within oneself not within the modern day church.  Church is not meant for hurting people, it is more of a social club.  One either fits in and belongs or one doesn't.  The word church has been lost from the origin of its original meaning.  People hurt people, whether intentionally or not. In reality simple reason why a personal relationship with God has to become the bigger priority of us all.  Only one who has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you".  Yes the hurt of family and friends brings wounds that only time and God will heal.

For now, the journey into a new chapter of life and a new year.  The new year will bring about the final steps in the beginning of walking away from responsibilities that I can no longer carry.  I will learn to be me and rediscover the me that I am and was meant to be.  Perfect?  No, never!  The new year will hopefully bring about some new strength and research for physical healing that will be mine for the working and striving for.  Glad to say good bye and ready to welcome the new.

Needs and Wants

Coming quietly to the still waters to find strength and peace, I could not help but share my burden with one who could carry my load much better than I.  As I sit and listen amidst this beautiful artistry picture in my mind of a babbling brook, the rustling leaves amidst a warm spring day, and the birds singing beautiful music my mind wonders to the place of how God uses these things he created to meet needs and wants.

In my reflection I am reminded of Philippians 4:19 which says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."(NIV)   He said ALL my needs.  Then I am reminded of Psalm 37:4 where he says, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." (NIV)  

Sitting amongst the picture I have created full of color and wonderful sounds, I could not help but reflect on the needs and wants of my life right now and how he so meticulously brought so many things together to supply our needs as well as our wants.  Those wants, when I once sit back to appreciate the bigger picture, bring music to a trouble heart.

Yes, my needs may seem big and garbled and my wants maybe out of context amidst the distractions of life, but he promises that when I trust and seek him and come to the quiet waters he will meet not just my needs but my desires.  It is there that I have come to find the real desires of my heart, in the picture that he so beautifully painted.

Calm Eyes

As I have pondered and weighed this topic so heavy, I began to realize how much I need to learn from the calmness of eyes.  I have always know that I could not change the circumstances which may arise or surround me, but I can certainly change how I look at it or my attitude in how I deal with it.

There seems to be so many tornadoes and hurricanes to life sometimes and we seem to feel like we are spinning and being thrown out of control.  But somehow in the center of every tornado and hurricane the eye is always calm.  As I have often found myself crying out to God begging and pleading to bring the storms of life to a stop he reminds me it is all part of the refining process.  I came to realize through those quiet moments I was searching for peace and serenity he was reminding me to keep my eyes focused on him.  Come to the center of the storms where it is calm.  Yes, I can certainly see all that goes on around me from the center, but the center in his eyes and arms is that place of safety, peace, calmness, and serenity that can be found no where else.

If my eyes lose focus and become distracted from the circumstances of life then I can expect to lose site of the prize to which he is calling me to.  My prize my calm eyes in the storm can only be continuously focused toward him.  Eyes that feel pain with such great love and yet bring an uncanny sense of indescribable peace.

Stormy Praises

Storms seem to come in such varying ways and forms.  So do the storms of life.  I am recently reminded of how we each uniquely handle our storms.  I was reminded that in our human flesh it can become so easy to get sucked in to the fury of the storm and be tossed about.  At the same time, we have a choice to take a step back and learn more about the elements of the storm so that we can brace it and come through knowing what we learn while holding our heads high.

I so often find it easy to be wrapped with emotions and be caught in the snare of impossibility trying desperately to make it all work out in my power or wishing for things or people to change that I have no power over.  The reality of it all, I am contributing to my own storm over something I am powerless to change.

As I begin, to step back and say that no matter what I am grateful and thankful for where I am and for the life that I am living, I truly begin to see the changes happen that I have been waiting to see for so long.  I realize miracles only begin to happen as we begin to praise and be grateful where we are at.  Small miracle that took 14 years to reveal and truly teach appreciation.  It was nothing that I could do on my own.  It was only something only God  could do, but only after I was ready.

Was he really done teaching me to praise at all times?  No!  I am so glad that he chose to continue to allow my learning to continue through a phone call that not many ever want to hear.  Your loved one was in an accident.  First response was relief my husband was okay and to be in shock that it happened.

It did not take long to be reminded with love and prayer to pause to praise.  As I began to praise for protection, I was soon caught up with how many things I truly had to praise about.  Praising for the here and now, praising for the wisdom and guidance, praising for the love and support of friends and family, praising for the details that God already had worked out that we are waiting to see, praising that my faith will be strengthened, praising for seeing his hand, praising that life is not about feeling stuck on a roller coaster not of our choosing.

I learned to see so much by praising.  As I continued to learn to speak that praise and exercise praise I seen so much more I had to be thankful for.  I can truly say that praise can bring beautiful learning of storms.

Precious moments

Today as I stood in true worship and reflection of communion, I was interrupted by a little boy who showed me the glimpse of one day becoming a man.  I could not help but get tears in my eyes and bask in the pure innocent glory of his words.

For so long I had wondered if the little boy that I started dragging, while almost kicking and screaming, to church had no realization of God or who God is.  I had cried and dreaded every time I heard his hurting words of God is not real and how much he did not like him.  I could only begin to learn to strengthen my own faith and pray that opportunities would arise to show a little boy how real God was and is.  For him if he could  not see something or someone, feel it, or hear it then it truly did not exist.  However, I knew that I had to remain faithful and allow the time needed for him to discover how real this person named God is that he could not physically see or feel.  It really showed me an even greater depth about what it is to have faith in the unseen or even in the unknown.  That pure faith  of believing what God says and promises he always holds true even when in our own human eyes seems to be nothing but purely impossible.

As I tried to keep focused to hear his every word as well as converse with him, I could not help but begin praising God for an answer to prayer.  The words I never want to forget nor the moment of a boy that just turned 9 the day before saying "Mom I just asked God to forgive me of my sins".  To hear a child acknowledge and admit his confession of sins to one he has come to realize is so big and so real is worth more than any price tag of gold.  Those moments of memories will carry on in my heart and I pray that I continue to  daily surrender the needs and realties of raising children who love God to God who is ever faithful  to show himself real.

Fasting--The true Reality

When I first contemplated fasting and the decision and sacrifice I wanted to make according to my terms little did I know that my sacrifice was not about me and my views with God, but what God had to show me about him and his views of me.

I had started a fast with the plan of having and experiencing this marvelous spiritual breakthrough.  I am going to map out my outline and plan and this is what I believe and expect will happen as a result.  Little did I know that what  I thought was to be learned and was different than the lesson plans of God.  I learned a deeper appreciation for sacrifice and yet a yearning for something more.

As I sit back and reflect at the lessons learned so far, I can only pause and ask the Lord if my time of fasting is complete as I have learned so much about the concept of it is not about my will or plans but his will and plans.  I have come to learn more about what it means to rest and the value and lessons that are learned from resting.   I have come to find that in those quiet moments of desperation, my very dependence of my creator and the appreciation and value of each breath I take.  I also realized that there are points when our Father who is so loving and gracious brings us to a point in our lives when there is no where else to turn and no where else to go and  no other plans to be made, that he has so much to show us and teach us that we may others wise have never had the opportunity to experience or learn.  The true essence of the value of perserverence.

Perserverence.  The eloquent art of overcoming defeat.  The driving force of continually move forward when our human mind would rather tell us differently.  The digging deeper of oneself when even when there seems to be nothing left to dig.  It is the art of learning to create a new bigger and better picture of oneself or situation when all seemed to be creating a picture of something much less.  What a lesson I have only truly begun to learn.  The learning driving force or fighting a true battle that is in it to win it.

Then there is rest.  The type of rest that is shown so that we can take time to slow down and learn such valuable quality principles that can only be learned when we slow down the chaos and business of our lives and the world in which we live.  The learning to hear the voice of the father as well as learning to hear and listen to ourselves.  The time to bring to the forefront all that may weigh on our hearts and minds that we carry.  The time to bring it to the cross and leave it there.  Just as I so often reminded myself of the scripture that says "Come to me all you that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."  The rest that cannot come nor be found  anywhere else.

Sacrifice and addiction.  Addictions that can tend to consume so many areas of our lives.  Addictions that can rob us of our priorities and focus on God and our relationship with him.  Addictions that rob us of our children, our spouses, and those that we may connect with from day to day.  Addictions that can be hidden until we seek and pray and ask for a revelation of the addictions.  I realize more and more how easy it is to fall into a trap of pure distractions.  Distractions that once again rob us of the things and relationships that we should hold so dear.  The relationship with our Father, the relationship with our spouse, the relationship with our children, our friends and family and the list could go on.  What is it that I am building?  A need for my own personal satisfaction of distraction or a need to be part of building and blessing the relationships of that which I can have the privilege of developing and building.  Yes, I knew Facebook was a sacrifice of something I so thoroughly enjoyed but little did I realize how much I had to learn from my experience away.  I have come to some hard terms of reality when it is time to rejoin my community.  A time of necessary clean up that we periodically must do in all facets of life.  Whether it be our homes, our minds, our hearts, or our relationships.   All is important in the eyes of our father as we continually learn to become the wonderful masterpiece of who he wants us to be.

Lastly, I had tossed around in my mind about my begrugged attitude of misconceived promises of New Year's Resolutions.  The I heard the topic about picking on word for yourself for the year that God would give you to work on and teach you.  I had toyed and tossed the idea around  in my head thinking what is my word.  I was so stuck on the phrase of "It is better to have one thing and do a little than to have three things and do nothing."  There is so much that can be done when we focus on just one thing.  Once again, I realized there were so many areas that I seen God using my sicknesses and health as valuable teaching lessons.  That trued point of desperation.  However, satan always at work seen it as an opportunity as well.  What I learned was that when we continue to seek him he will reveal what he wants to show us and teach us.  I soon realized that my point of desperate misery I had become consumed in every facet of where I was and how stuck I was and how miserable I felt and how much I felt like I couldn't do versus what I had and what I could still do.  Satan had taken advantage that is for sure, but God taught me so much more.  Taught me to recognize, learn to move on, and be grateful for the lesson learned rather than the consumption of self pity.

So my word... Consumed!  Learning to recognize what consumes me and pray and ask for guidance, wisdom, and strength to change.  Then turn and shift my focus on and  towards what I desire to be consumed with. The consuming power or the Holy Spirit. The consuming desire of a deeper relationship of my heavenly Father who I desire to come to know more personally.

I can only continue to seek him first and wait for the continuing leading and directing on the continued steps of my journey ahead.

A Time to Rest

Rest.  Exactly what is it rest in such a busy world where society has taught us to always be busy doing, going, striving to be somebody or do something?  As I have been forced even more so in to a position to rest and learn pacing techniques, I could not help but reflect on the type of rest and reflection my heavenly father had planned for me.  

Looking back at the seventh day of creation when even God himself rested showed up the importance to rest, pause and reflect.  Without rest there seems to be little to no room for the type of quiet reflecting moments needed by our heavenly father.

Rest is essential for the body as much as it is for the mind.  Even athletes need rest to prevent their bodies from injuries and collapse from exhaustion.  So it is our minds need rest from the thoughts of the activities of our day as well as the activities that surround us in our daily life from the world in which we live.  Rest the time needed to recharge our batteries physically, recharge our minds mentally, and our hearts spiritually.

I somehow thought my fasting and prayer would entail anything but rest. I had planned in my mind of what I thought God would begin to work in my life through this time.  I cannot help but be gently reminded by such a loving father of his words when he says, "my thoughts are not your thoughts and my  plans are not your plans".  That could only mean one thing.  What I would presume to be something great is Gods eyes was not really going to be so great, because he had something much greater to be taught and learned.

I could only realize that while learning to slow down my expectations there was a true reliance of  my needing to continually let go and let God.  I also realized that my hopes for seeing miracles and breakthroughs had to begin with the much needed work inside me.  This work was not what I in my human mind thought was part of God's plan but through learning perserverence to keep seeking and pursuing came self discipline, courage, confidence, and character.

The realization of being somebody when society would see me as nobody.  It really showed me that who we think we are and what we need to do and be in our own human minds is really nobody at all.  Without Christ and the dieing of self and coming to a point of complete reliance on him can we really be somebody.  The somebody that he wants and created us to be.  That beautiful piece of  pottered art that he is molding and perfecting that will be used for not our glory but his glory.

Lessons of Life

As I have been learning to sit back and learning to listen for the quiet voice and direction of my heavenly father, I cannot help to evaluate my life and the hunger and desire I feel burning inside.  It becomes relevant as I seek to find more quiet time that I begin to prioritize my life and my day and all the distractions that may come with it.  It becomes necessary to remove those things that may be addictions or could hinder that precious time with the father.

I am learning that a sacrifice to the father will bring eternal benefits and rewards.  These can only come as we persevere and seek the face and will of our Father.  To learn to lay down and ultimately surrender to the will of the father takes great work.  In this there is much character to be learned.  For myself is self discipline.  To be disciplined to control myself and not give way to temptations.  To control myself to becoming who the Father would want me to be.  I could ultimately continue this list to great lengths, but ultimately we are powerless without the will and direct guidance of our heavenly father.  I pray that in my coming days ahead as I seek to obey the will and seek a deeper more profound relationship for those areas that I see the great hand of God and hear the words "Well done my good and faithful servant".