12-16-18
It’s Sunday and churches (building) open their doors. Most put on smiles they will only offer in those walls. What would the concept really look like if churches became the church (people) the Bible talked about? What would it look like if we were not afraid to visit a “stable” to watch a gift God wants to unfold before our eyes? Are we afraid to see and accept the brokenness outside of the “typical” obligations of a building? Are we afraid to show up in the unpopular places? Church should be more than just getting someone to walk through the doors on a Sunday morning. What humble gift of ourselves can we bring to the hearts of the broken?
Monday, December 17, 2018
Friday, December 7, 2018
Empathetic Revelation In Suffering
Empathetic Revelation in Suffering
12-6-18
A quote in Sheila Walsh’s book In The Middle Of The Mess “Humility is a heart thing. It’s allowing yourself to be loved as you are and extending that grace to others”. That quote stirred some deep thoughts most of which I shared over coffee with a friend today. To be humble enough to accept love as we are no matter what state of mind or condition and to pass that same type of love we should receive onto others with grace and no expectations. To only love and not have the ability to accept love is a different type of pride reversal. Those thoughts really struck me as I often reflect over not only the past few years but many years of my life.
I believe somewhere in the beginning of this particular conversation I had made mention of my distaste for the word “Christian” and the unfair expectations it holds and how that is even often reflected to rules and standards in which many churches want “Christians” to follow or live up to. The meaning of “Christian” is to be a follower of Christ. It is to be one who follows with the purpose of seeking and gaining a personal relationship with the Christ they follow. It’s not about following church or a religion or a book of laws. This led on to the how Jesus talked about The Great Commandment in
Matthew 22:37-40 New International Version (NIV)
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
He was talking about our lives were not to be wrapped up in “abiding by all the laws”. He knew and recognized the great need for showing grace, releasing them from their lives of perfectionism. He simply told them to summarize the Ten Commandments or the Laws of Moses into two simple principles. Love your God…this mere thought is simple. When you learn to develop your relationship with God you desire to seek him, please him, and love him. This growing relationship develops the character he wants to build within you. It’s not based on laws, but the mere desire to please, to love the one with whom you are building the relationship with. The second part of this commandment says to Love your neighbor as yourself. When we learn about loving God and learning what that love begins to look like back, beginning to grab onto the idea of loving ourselves, we begin to see in this relationship his love for us. How in building a deep meaningful relationship that is based on unconditional love could we not begin to see and love ourselves as he does? If we seek to grow and find a love for him, begin to accept that love back, we are then able to learn to pass that love on to “our neighbor”.
This conversation continued on to the Parable of the Good Samaritan. I think often times as “Christians” or “Christ Followers” or whatever “title” you want to assign yourself we completely miss these two very basic key principles and what that is supposed to look like. Jesus explained the definition of loving thy neighbor in this Parable in
Luke 10:25-37 New International Version (NIV)
The Parable of the Good Samaritan
25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]”
28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”
Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”
This man who was robbed and stripped of EVERYTHING he had laid dying. He was robbed of his money, his belongings, his dignity, and we really don’t know what other emotional baggage he was left of from the things he was robbed of. Not only was he robbed, but he was rejected and abandoned. He was left dying and to continue that process alone. He most likely was not a picture anyone would want to see or remember. Those wounds would leave scars that would write a story all of their own. A Story of trauma, abandonment, rejection, and a knock on death’s door as he laid alone in his pain and suffering with oozing dirty wounds and most likely a body shivering and cold from a state of shock. Both the Priest and the Levite went out of their way to walk on the opposite side of the road to avoid the battered dying man. They lacked humility and love (the Great Commandment to love). The Good Samaritan came along and took notice of the dying man; who was left with no dignity and in his moments of near death of being helpless, is now left with more than physical wounds, but emotional wounds as well. The Samaritan took pity on him, it says in Matthew. He didn’t focus on the wounds and brokenness left before him as the man lay dying. With humility, he loved him; he probably found a way to clothe him after cleaning his wounds. I can almost imagine him talking to him while he poured the wine and oil on them. He knew the man was in pain, and now in order to take steps to care for him and love him, he would have to inflict more pain in cleaning his wounds. I can picture him speaking softly and kindly through the man cries (whatever was left) the additional pain he had to inflict, but those reminders of he was going to see him through; those words that he would be okay. The Good Samaritan did not ask the wounded to act or behave a certain way. He just loved him, broken and stripped in the Middle of his Mess with humility, just the way he was. He simply lived the second part of the Great Commandment out of Loving His Neighbor.
The parable says after he was done caring for his wounds, he lifted him (dead weight and all) onto his donkey to find his way to the nearest town. This now meant he sacrificed his ride to walk the journey with the beaten dying man. He continued to see him through the night and care for him. Before he paused to finish his travels for his original purpose, he chose to not make sure the man would be abandoned a second time, but that he would be cared for until he could return to continue to care for him himself. The fact he made the choice shows he recognized there were going to be ongoing needs this man would have. He recognized not only the physical needs but the emotional needs as well.
With all these thoughts, I wonder how many of us and how many churches, “Christ Followers”, or “Christians” are able to see brokenness as beautiful. How often are we able to live out this commandment of “Loving thy Neighbor” with humility; their brokenness and their wounds whatever that may be. Are we able to give them the time (with no limit) needed to heal, to grieve the effects of their pain both physical and emotional? Are we able to forget the sight before our eyes and see the worth in each broken piece of another’s life? What would a different view of healing look like for the broken if these concepts were true? Brokenness not only hurts the broken but can also hurt the Samaritan. When things are broken, including lives, it leaves harsh sharp edges and words that cry out waiting for each piece to one day be smoothed and used to create a different picture and different story. Each piece among the lines carved by scars hold worth and value and writes their own story. Each broken piece needing love and respect of what remains.
The broken need commitment, love, and acceptance with humility. They certainly don’t need rejection by the priest and the Levite. They don’t need more dirt or non-healing acidic agents poured on their already open oozing wounds. What difference or impact could we really begin to make if we would be willing to love sharp broken pieces as beautiful and speak life and breath back into each sharp piece that we help to pick up and hold while the story gets rewritten?
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Not the Same
3-18-18
Some days grief takes a front row seat to the changes and losses we have experienced. I am learning that sometimes it is necessary just to allow this process and give it time to be thought and felt through. I am not the same person who was born in June of 1971. The person who graduated high school in 1990. The person who unwillingly sacrificed her career dream, to life circumstances. The same person who went through traumatic life experiences and sexual assaults. The same person who thought in her heart, God led her to the right person for her to spend her life with, but was blinded and lied to through the deception of Satan himself. The same person who bore and loved three beautiful children the best she knew how. The same person who grew weary in her efforts of trying to love a marriage that was destroying her from the inside out. The same person who merely wanted a break to figure out life and get back on track. The same person who merely sought hard after love and respect that could not be given. The same person who in the process lost herself and lost her identity she seeks desperately to find. The same person who's insecurity exuded confidence that she never really had that became exposed to greater vulnerability because pain won. The same person who fights the nightmares and terrors frequently and anxiety daily. The same person who sits confused by all that has happened and questions so often and frequently what all went wrong. The same person who a year ago, scared as she was thought she would be able to continue finding strength to do what needs to be done. The same person who a year ago, was trying to figure out how to just hold her head up. The same person who a year ago tried to still maintain and seek a relationship with God that now found a different path. The same person who a year later has lost everything, but gained back her daughter. The same person who learned a lot about the "Christian" faith and it's people. The same person who realized quickly churches were never meant for hurting people like the cliché that is often spoken. The same person who came to realize faith has little to do with meaningful relationships and support networks. The same person who is learning to come to terms with the true brutality of life. The same person who is beginning to see the blessings of learning, with much hesitation, and appreciate the new people that walk into my life, while I watch and continue to let go of others. The same person who finds her strength and purpose through the eyes of her daughter who chooses to do her best to always wear a smile on her face and give life the attitude of make the best of what it has to offer. The girl who has and wants to give so much despite the struggles she continually deals with. The girl who loves people and loves life. The girl who has shown and taught me so much be just being who she is and is meant to be, the beautiful individual she is.
The same person who in all these life marking events, became someone different today than she was yesterday. Realizing change happens daily and we can/ are always revolving into someone else. The same person, who though different, realizes she will continue to become different, because that is what happens in the greater scheme of life. I am not who I was yesterday, nor will I be the same person tomorrow. Who was I? I am not really sure. Who am I? I am not really sure of that either. Who will I become? I don't know that either, but I hope in time that it will only be someone much better than the person pouring her thoughts here today.
Some days grief takes a front row seat to the changes and losses we have experienced. I am learning that sometimes it is necessary just to allow this process and give it time to be thought and felt through. I am not the same person who was born in June of 1971. The person who graduated high school in 1990. The person who unwillingly sacrificed her career dream, to life circumstances. The same person who went through traumatic life experiences and sexual assaults. The same person who thought in her heart, God led her to the right person for her to spend her life with, but was blinded and lied to through the deception of Satan himself. The same person who bore and loved three beautiful children the best she knew how. The same person who grew weary in her efforts of trying to love a marriage that was destroying her from the inside out. The same person who merely wanted a break to figure out life and get back on track. The same person who merely sought hard after love and respect that could not be given. The same person who in the process lost herself and lost her identity she seeks desperately to find. The same person who's insecurity exuded confidence that she never really had that became exposed to greater vulnerability because pain won. The same person who fights the nightmares and terrors frequently and anxiety daily. The same person who sits confused by all that has happened and questions so often and frequently what all went wrong. The same person who a year ago, scared as she was thought she would be able to continue finding strength to do what needs to be done. The same person who a year ago, was trying to figure out how to just hold her head up. The same person who a year ago tried to still maintain and seek a relationship with God that now found a different path. The same person who a year later has lost everything, but gained back her daughter. The same person who learned a lot about the "Christian" faith and it's people. The same person who realized quickly churches were never meant for hurting people like the cliché that is often spoken. The same person who came to realize faith has little to do with meaningful relationships and support networks. The same person who is learning to come to terms with the true brutality of life. The same person who is beginning to see the blessings of learning, with much hesitation, and appreciate the new people that walk into my life, while I watch and continue to let go of others. The same person who finds her strength and purpose through the eyes of her daughter who chooses to do her best to always wear a smile on her face and give life the attitude of make the best of what it has to offer. The girl who has and wants to give so much despite the struggles she continually deals with. The girl who loves people and loves life. The girl who has shown and taught me so much be just being who she is and is meant to be, the beautiful individual she is.
The same person who in all these life marking events, became someone different today than she was yesterday. Realizing change happens daily and we can/ are always revolving into someone else. The same person, who though different, realizes she will continue to become different, because that is what happens in the greater scheme of life. I am not who I was yesterday, nor will I be the same person tomorrow. Who was I? I am not really sure. Who am I? I am not really sure of that either. Who will I become? I don't know that either, but I hope in time that it will only be someone much better than the person pouring her thoughts here today.
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Will I Ever?
Will I ever?
As I ponder so many dreams that were lost, fantasies that failed, broken heart, broken promises, and a dirty film that seems to encapsulate every part of my being. Will the dream of security in life and within myself ever be found, or will I continue wandering and searching? Will I one day learn to accept life for what it is with every part of it, or will I continue to want to create a fantasy of a love and belonging I search for? Will the fantasy of wanting so much for others ever become an acceptance of everyone and everything has it's own reality of existence and acceptance? Will I ever be able to trust that if a promise is made, it can be kept. Will I learn to trust that not everything may turn out to be false hopes, lies, and fantasy that were formed for an ill purposed reason? Will I learn to trust fully without question the heart of those that speak and offer good without conditions and expectations, or will doubt always want to take a front row seat? Will I ever look, view and accept without a critical eye while watching my back? Will I ever find restored life to a broken dying self over a marriage I could not save, over kids lost and misled to the lies and toxicity of narcissism, or over the connection to family I always wanted and dreamed of, but never seemed to know or learn how to fully fit in or be accepted? Will I ever sleep with security of safety and contentment that my soul deeply desires? Will I ever know or experience what real love and acceptance is all about? Will I ever feel clean enough or beautiful enough on the outside, but most importantly on the inside; or will the film of filth from multiple encounters of sexual assault and abuse continue to be the thick black tar or distaste and disgust that I feel holds together the parts of who I am? Will I ever see the beauty in the ashes that so many talk about and reference to? Will I run through meadows of flowers, butterflies, and birds basking in all of their own beauty? Will I frolic through the deep woods in search of a brook, stream, or waterfall that found its way to flow freely washing away the impurities of life and making a path all of its own, simply because it knows its power and strength and carries its own dignity refusing to be anything but captive to its own demise? Will the fire that flickers and gives off light of it's own as it sings its' own song and dance burn but burn brighter and more beautiful from within the being of my own self? Will the diamond grow and one day shine its beauty after all the pressing of the pressures of the deep dark coal aspects of life shine? Will the grain of sand that made its way into the confines of the clam be discovered and handled carefully so that its value will shine and be discovered?
There are no answers or discoveries really, but a lot of questions that can lead to thoughts and pursuits for a quest of discovery to something better on this journey called life.
As I ponder so many dreams that were lost, fantasies that failed, broken heart, broken promises, and a dirty film that seems to encapsulate every part of my being. Will the dream of security in life and within myself ever be found, or will I continue wandering and searching? Will I one day learn to accept life for what it is with every part of it, or will I continue to want to create a fantasy of a love and belonging I search for? Will the fantasy of wanting so much for others ever become an acceptance of everyone and everything has it's own reality of existence and acceptance? Will I ever be able to trust that if a promise is made, it can be kept. Will I learn to trust that not everything may turn out to be false hopes, lies, and fantasy that were formed for an ill purposed reason? Will I learn to trust fully without question the heart of those that speak and offer good without conditions and expectations, or will doubt always want to take a front row seat? Will I ever look, view and accept without a critical eye while watching my back? Will I ever find restored life to a broken dying self over a marriage I could not save, over kids lost and misled to the lies and toxicity of narcissism, or over the connection to family I always wanted and dreamed of, but never seemed to know or learn how to fully fit in or be accepted? Will I ever sleep with security of safety and contentment that my soul deeply desires? Will I ever know or experience what real love and acceptance is all about? Will I ever feel clean enough or beautiful enough on the outside, but most importantly on the inside; or will the film of filth from multiple encounters of sexual assault and abuse continue to be the thick black tar or distaste and disgust that I feel holds together the parts of who I am? Will I ever see the beauty in the ashes that so many talk about and reference to? Will I run through meadows of flowers, butterflies, and birds basking in all of their own beauty? Will I frolic through the deep woods in search of a brook, stream, or waterfall that found its way to flow freely washing away the impurities of life and making a path all of its own, simply because it knows its power and strength and carries its own dignity refusing to be anything but captive to its own demise? Will the fire that flickers and gives off light of it's own as it sings its' own song and dance burn but burn brighter and more beautiful from within the being of my own self? Will the diamond grow and one day shine its beauty after all the pressing of the pressures of the deep dark coal aspects of life shine? Will the grain of sand that made its way into the confines of the clam be discovered and handled carefully so that its value will shine and be discovered?
There are no answers or discoveries really, but a lot of questions that can lead to thoughts and pursuits for a quest of discovery to something better on this journey called life.
I Left
I left.. A journey of reflection of the past couple days. 3/9/18
As I sit with little sleep from the past two days, I feel as though I still can't wrap my brain around everything. As I watched what felt like so much crumble and fall apart around me in court the other day, I was told with what little we were told would be ordered that it was a good thing. Due to the events that occured I left the day with no definitive order and must patiently wait for the mail to learn of the final outcome. I left with so many questions still forming and running through my head. I left with once again little to no faith in our justice system and the majority of people that walk the face of this earth or sit in the chairs and pews of churches. I left with a heart that was broken, crushed, and scared of the outcome. I left knowing that as a mom I did what I know I had to do and things would change for forever and there was and is nothing I could do. I left knowing the grave danger that is and will continue to rise and occur on so many levels. I left being treated with disrespect and laughed at in my face on the public streets of the city where commotion broke out from a fire in the county prison just a few blocks away. I left knowing I seen the eyes of satan not just through the eyes of one individual but two. I left knowing the dangerous waters to be treaded in the near future. I left getting a hateful text from a child whom I love and care for deeply just like their sibilings. I left knowing I may or may not ever see my children again, because I simply did what I felt I had to do to protect them and watch a justice system tell me that even though someone commits sexual crimes in public they are not a risk unless the crime involves the individuals you show concern for. Past history of sexual addictions and crimes don't matter.
I left shaking my head and my soul shattered. I left questioning and wandering why we feel faith is of importance and the one who is suppose to care matter if he really does (No feedback, points, judgements needed for my feelings, they are mine to sort and own). I left not knowing once again how to trust a process that I cannot see any good from, a process that is so full of disappointment and pain.
In summary, this is summed up with the words that have repeated themselves in so many ways with "I left". Not by choice or desire, but by no choice or control. I left my efforts to protect a dangerous situation, I left myself, I left my heart broken and shattered. I left with fear I never wanted to revisit. I left with the words and the eyes that attacked me many nights behind closed doors. I left wanting someone to show me, to prove to me that everything will be okay, that I will be okay (but that couldn't happen). I left knowing there are more pieces to pick up, some to discard some to hold onto.
I feel what little I have left is the circle of those who I hold with the utmost respect and close in my circle. I know and learn to trust that they know if and when I am ready I will talk and they are there to walk this part of the journey with me as I need with love and no judgement.
Sometimes the best proctection the pearl has, is within the shell that holds its value. Once released and extracted the elements can be so much harsher. For now my shell is my safety. For now l pick up the pieces and focus back on a daughter who needs me and who enjoys life no matter how hard it is or how brutal it treats her. She finds and exudes joy in her journey as much as possible. She shows me who I am trying to find and become. She shows me beauty when beauty seems gone.
Sometimes the best proctection the pearl has, is within the shell that holds its value. Once released and extracted the elements can be so much harsher. For now my shell is my safety. For now l pick up the pieces and focus back on a daughter who needs me and who enjoys life no matter how hard it is or how brutal it treats her. She finds and exudes joy in her journey as much as possible. She shows me who I am trying to find and become. She shows me beauty when beauty seems gone.
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