Not the Same

3-18-18


Some days grief takes a front row seat to the changes and losses we have experienced.  I am learning that sometimes it is necessary just to allow this process and give it time to be thought and felt through.  I am not the same person who was born in June of 1971.  The person who graduated high school in 1990.  The person who unwillingly sacrificed her career dream, to life circumstances.  The same person who went through traumatic life experiences and sexual assaults.  The same person who thought in her heart, God led her to the right person for her to spend her life with, but was blinded and lied to through the deception of Satan himself.  The same person who bore and loved three beautiful children the best she knew how.  The same person who grew weary in her efforts of trying to love a marriage that was destroying her from the inside out.  The same person who merely wanted a break to figure out life and get back on track.  The same person who merely sought hard after love and respect that could not be given.  The same person who in the process lost herself and lost her identity she seeks desperately to find.  The same person who's insecurity exuded confidence that she never really had that became exposed to greater vulnerability because pain won.  The same person who fights the nightmares and terrors frequently and anxiety daily.  The same person who sits confused by all that has happened and questions so often and frequently what all went wrong.  The same person who a year ago, scared as she was thought she would be able to continue finding strength to do what needs to be done.  The same person who a year ago, was trying to figure out how to just hold her head up.  The same person who a year ago tried to still maintain and seek a relationship with God that now found a different path.  The same person who a year later has lost everything, but gained back her daughter.  The same person who learned a lot about the "Christian" faith and it's people.  The same person who realized quickly churches were never meant for hurting people like the cliché that is often spoken.  The same person who came to realize faith has little to do with meaningful relationships and support networks.  The same person who is learning to come to terms with the true brutality of life.  The same person who is beginning to see the blessings of learning, with much hesitation, and appreciate the new people that walk into my life, while I watch and continue to let go of others.  The same person who finds her strength and purpose through the eyes of her daughter who chooses to do her best to always wear a smile on her face and give life the attitude of make the best of what it has to offer.  The girl who has and wants to give so much despite the struggles she continually deals with.  The girl who loves people and loves life.  The girl who has shown and taught me so much be just being who she is and is meant to be, the beautiful individual she is. 


The same person who in all these life marking events, became someone different today than she was yesterday.  Realizing change happens daily and we can/ are always revolving into someone else.  The same person, who though different, realizes she will continue to become different, because that is what happens in the greater scheme of life.  I am not who I was yesterday, nor will I be the same person tomorrow.  Who was I?  I am not really sure.  Who am I?  I am not really sure of that either.  Who will I become?  I don't know that either, but I hope in time that it will only be someone much better than the person pouring her thoughts here today.