Will I Ever?

Will I ever?


As I ponder so many dreams that were lost, fantasies that failed, broken heart, broken promises, and a dirty film that seems to encapsulate every part of my being. Will the dream of security in life and within myself ever be found, or will I continue wandering and searching?  Will I one day learn to accept life for what it is with every part of it, or will I continue to want to create a fantasy of a love and belonging I search for?  Will the fantasy of wanting so much for others ever become an acceptance of everyone and everything has it's own reality of existence and acceptance?  Will I ever be able to trust that if a promise is made, it can be kept.  Will I learn to trust that not everything may turn out to be false hopes, lies, and fantasy that were formed for an ill purposed reason?  Will I learn to trust fully without question the heart of those that speak and offer good without conditions and expectations, or will doubt always want to take a front row seat?  Will I ever look, view and accept without a critical eye while watching my back?  Will I ever find restored life to a broken dying self over a marriage I could not save, over kids lost and misled to the lies and toxicity of  narcissism, or over the connection to family I always wanted and dreamed of, but never seemed to know or learn how to fully fit in or be accepted?  Will I ever sleep with security of safety and contentment that my soul deeply desires?  Will I ever know or experience what real love and acceptance is all about?  Will I ever feel clean enough or beautiful enough on the outside, but most importantly on the inside; or will the film of filth from multiple encounters of sexual assault and abuse continue to be the thick black tar or distaste and disgust that I feel holds together the parts of who I am?  Will I ever see the beauty in the ashes that so many talk about and reference to?  Will I run through meadows of flowers, butterflies, and birds basking in all of their own beauty?  Will I frolic through the deep woods in search of a brook, stream, or waterfall that found its way to flow freely washing away the impurities of life and making a path all of its own, simply because it knows its power and strength and carries its own dignity refusing to be anything but captive to its own demise?  Will the fire that flickers and gives off light of it's own as it sings its' own song and dance burn but burn brighter and more beautiful from within the being of my own self?  Will the diamond grow and one day shine its beauty after all the pressing of the pressures of the deep dark coal aspects of life shine?  Will the grain of sand that made its way into the confines of the clam be discovered and handled carefully so that its value will shine and be discovered?

There are no answers or discoveries really, but a lot of questions that can lead to thoughts and pursuits for a quest of discovery to something better on this journey called life.