I Left

I left..  A journey of reflection of the past couple days.  3/9/18

As I sit with little sleep from the past two days, I feel as though I still can't wrap my brain around everything.  As I watched what felt like so much crumble and fall apart around me in court the other day, I was told with what little we were told would be ordered that it was a good thing.  Due to the events that occured I left the day with no definitive order and must patiently wait for the mail to learn of the final outcome.  I left with so many questions still forming and running through my head.  I left with once again little to no faith in our justice system and the majority of people that walk the face of this earth or sit in the chairs and pews of churches.  I left with a heart that was broken, crushed, and scared of the outcome.  I left knowing that as a mom I did what I know I had to do and things would change for forever and there was and is nothing I could do.  I left knowing the grave danger that is and will continue to rise and occur on so many levels.  I left being treated with disrespect and laughed at in my face on the public streets of the city where commotion broke out from a fire in the county prison just a few blocks away.  I left knowing I seen the eyes of satan not just through the eyes of one individual but two.  I left knowing the dangerous waters to be treaded in the near future.  I left getting a hateful text from a child whom I love and care for deeply just like their sibilings.  I left knowing I may or may not ever see my children again, because I simply did what I felt I had to do to protect them and watch a justice system tell me that even though someone commits sexual crimes in public they are not a risk unless the crime involves the individuals you show concern for.  Past history of sexual addictions and crimes don't matter.
 

I left shaking my head and my soul shattered.  I left questioning and wandering why we feel faith is of importance and the one who is suppose to care matter if he really does (No feedback, points, judgements needed for my feelings, they are mine to sort and own).  I left not knowing once again how to trust a process that I cannot see any good from, a process that is so full of disappointment and pain.

In summary, this is summed up with the words that have repeated themselves in so many ways with "I left".  Not by choice or desire, but by no choice or control.  I left my efforts to protect a dangerous situation, I left myself, I left my heart broken and shattered.  I left with fear I never wanted to revisit.  I left with the words and the eyes that attacked me many nights behind closed doors.  I left wanting someone to show me, to prove to me that everything will be okay, that I will be okay (but that couldn't happen).  I left knowing there are more pieces to pick up, some to discard some to hold onto.

I feel what little I have left is the circle of those who I hold with the utmost respect and close in my circle.  I know and learn to trust that they know if and when I am ready I will talk and they are there to walk this part of the journey with me as I need with love and no judgement. 


Sometimes the best proctection the pearl has, is within the shell that holds its value.  Once released and extracted the elements can be so much harsher.  For now my shell is my safety.  For now l pick up the pieces and focus back on a daughter who needs me and who enjoys life no matter how hard it is or how brutal it treats her.  She finds and exudes joy in her journey as much as possible.  She shows me who I am trying to find and become.  She shows me beauty when beauty seems gone.