3-18-18
Some days grief takes a front row seat to the changes and losses we have experienced. I am learning that sometimes it is necessary just to allow this process and give it time to be thought and felt through. I am not the same person who was born in June of 1971. The person who graduated high school in 1990. The person who unwillingly sacrificed her career dream, to life circumstances. The same person who went through traumatic life experiences and sexual assaults. The same person who thought in her heart, God led her to the right person for her to spend her life with, but was blinded and lied to through the deception of Satan himself. The same person who bore and loved three beautiful children the best she knew how. The same person who grew weary in her efforts of trying to love a marriage that was destroying her from the inside out. The same person who merely wanted a break to figure out life and get back on track. The same person who merely sought hard after love and respect that could not be given. The same person who in the process lost herself and lost her identity she seeks desperately to find. The same person who's insecurity exuded confidence that she never really had that became exposed to greater vulnerability because pain won. The same person who fights the nightmares and terrors frequently and anxiety daily. The same person who sits confused by all that has happened and questions so often and frequently what all went wrong. The same person who a year ago, scared as she was thought she would be able to continue finding strength to do what needs to be done. The same person who a year ago, was trying to figure out how to just hold her head up. The same person who a year ago tried to still maintain and seek a relationship with God that now found a different path. The same person who a year later has lost everything, but gained back her daughter. The same person who learned a lot about the "Christian" faith and it's people. The same person who realized quickly churches were never meant for hurting people like the cliché that is often spoken. The same person who came to realize faith has little to do with meaningful relationships and support networks. The same person who is learning to come to terms with the true brutality of life. The same person who is beginning to see the blessings of learning, with much hesitation, and appreciate the new people that walk into my life, while I watch and continue to let go of others. The same person who finds her strength and purpose through the eyes of her daughter who chooses to do her best to always wear a smile on her face and give life the attitude of make the best of what it has to offer. The girl who has and wants to give so much despite the struggles she continually deals with. The girl who loves people and loves life. The girl who has shown and taught me so much be just being who she is and is meant to be, the beautiful individual she is.
The same person who in all these life marking events, became someone different today than she was yesterday. Realizing change happens daily and we can/ are always revolving into someone else. The same person, who though different, realizes she will continue to become different, because that is what happens in the greater scheme of life. I am not who I was yesterday, nor will I be the same person tomorrow. Who was I? I am not really sure. Who am I? I am not really sure of that either. Who will I become? I don't know that either, but I hope in time that it will only be someone much better than the person pouring her thoughts here today.
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Will I Ever?
Will I ever?
As I ponder so many dreams that were lost, fantasies that failed, broken heart, broken promises, and a dirty film that seems to encapsulate every part of my being. Will the dream of security in life and within myself ever be found, or will I continue wandering and searching? Will I one day learn to accept life for what it is with every part of it, or will I continue to want to create a fantasy of a love and belonging I search for? Will the fantasy of wanting so much for others ever become an acceptance of everyone and everything has it's own reality of existence and acceptance? Will I ever be able to trust that if a promise is made, it can be kept. Will I learn to trust that not everything may turn out to be false hopes, lies, and fantasy that were formed for an ill purposed reason? Will I learn to trust fully without question the heart of those that speak and offer good without conditions and expectations, or will doubt always want to take a front row seat? Will I ever look, view and accept without a critical eye while watching my back? Will I ever find restored life to a broken dying self over a marriage I could not save, over kids lost and misled to the lies and toxicity of narcissism, or over the connection to family I always wanted and dreamed of, but never seemed to know or learn how to fully fit in or be accepted? Will I ever sleep with security of safety and contentment that my soul deeply desires? Will I ever know or experience what real love and acceptance is all about? Will I ever feel clean enough or beautiful enough on the outside, but most importantly on the inside; or will the film of filth from multiple encounters of sexual assault and abuse continue to be the thick black tar or distaste and disgust that I feel holds together the parts of who I am? Will I ever see the beauty in the ashes that so many talk about and reference to? Will I run through meadows of flowers, butterflies, and birds basking in all of their own beauty? Will I frolic through the deep woods in search of a brook, stream, or waterfall that found its way to flow freely washing away the impurities of life and making a path all of its own, simply because it knows its power and strength and carries its own dignity refusing to be anything but captive to its own demise? Will the fire that flickers and gives off light of it's own as it sings its' own song and dance burn but burn brighter and more beautiful from within the being of my own self? Will the diamond grow and one day shine its beauty after all the pressing of the pressures of the deep dark coal aspects of life shine? Will the grain of sand that made its way into the confines of the clam be discovered and handled carefully so that its value will shine and be discovered?
There are no answers or discoveries really, but a lot of questions that can lead to thoughts and pursuits for a quest of discovery to something better on this journey called life.
As I ponder so many dreams that were lost, fantasies that failed, broken heart, broken promises, and a dirty film that seems to encapsulate every part of my being. Will the dream of security in life and within myself ever be found, or will I continue wandering and searching? Will I one day learn to accept life for what it is with every part of it, or will I continue to want to create a fantasy of a love and belonging I search for? Will the fantasy of wanting so much for others ever become an acceptance of everyone and everything has it's own reality of existence and acceptance? Will I ever be able to trust that if a promise is made, it can be kept. Will I learn to trust that not everything may turn out to be false hopes, lies, and fantasy that were formed for an ill purposed reason? Will I learn to trust fully without question the heart of those that speak and offer good without conditions and expectations, or will doubt always want to take a front row seat? Will I ever look, view and accept without a critical eye while watching my back? Will I ever find restored life to a broken dying self over a marriage I could not save, over kids lost and misled to the lies and toxicity of narcissism, or over the connection to family I always wanted and dreamed of, but never seemed to know or learn how to fully fit in or be accepted? Will I ever sleep with security of safety and contentment that my soul deeply desires? Will I ever know or experience what real love and acceptance is all about? Will I ever feel clean enough or beautiful enough on the outside, but most importantly on the inside; or will the film of filth from multiple encounters of sexual assault and abuse continue to be the thick black tar or distaste and disgust that I feel holds together the parts of who I am? Will I ever see the beauty in the ashes that so many talk about and reference to? Will I run through meadows of flowers, butterflies, and birds basking in all of their own beauty? Will I frolic through the deep woods in search of a brook, stream, or waterfall that found its way to flow freely washing away the impurities of life and making a path all of its own, simply because it knows its power and strength and carries its own dignity refusing to be anything but captive to its own demise? Will the fire that flickers and gives off light of it's own as it sings its' own song and dance burn but burn brighter and more beautiful from within the being of my own self? Will the diamond grow and one day shine its beauty after all the pressing of the pressures of the deep dark coal aspects of life shine? Will the grain of sand that made its way into the confines of the clam be discovered and handled carefully so that its value will shine and be discovered?
There are no answers or discoveries really, but a lot of questions that can lead to thoughts and pursuits for a quest of discovery to something better on this journey called life.
I Left
I left.. A journey of reflection of the past couple days. 3/9/18
As I sit with little sleep from the past two days, I feel as though I still can't wrap my brain around everything. As I watched what felt like so much crumble and fall apart around me in court the other day, I was told with what little we were told would be ordered that it was a good thing. Due to the events that occured I left the day with no definitive order and must patiently wait for the mail to learn of the final outcome. I left with so many questions still forming and running through my head. I left with once again little to no faith in our justice system and the majority of people that walk the face of this earth or sit in the chairs and pews of churches. I left with a heart that was broken, crushed, and scared of the outcome. I left knowing that as a mom I did what I know I had to do and things would change for forever and there was and is nothing I could do. I left knowing the grave danger that is and will continue to rise and occur on so many levels. I left being treated with disrespect and laughed at in my face on the public streets of the city where commotion broke out from a fire in the county prison just a few blocks away. I left knowing I seen the eyes of satan not just through the eyes of one individual but two. I left knowing the dangerous waters to be treaded in the near future. I left getting a hateful text from a child whom I love and care for deeply just like their sibilings. I left knowing I may or may not ever see my children again, because I simply did what I felt I had to do to protect them and watch a justice system tell me that even though someone commits sexual crimes in public they are not a risk unless the crime involves the individuals you show concern for. Past history of sexual addictions and crimes don't matter.
I left shaking my head and my soul shattered. I left questioning and wandering why we feel faith is of importance and the one who is suppose to care matter if he really does (No feedback, points, judgements needed for my feelings, they are mine to sort and own). I left not knowing once again how to trust a process that I cannot see any good from, a process that is so full of disappointment and pain.
In summary, this is summed up with the words that have repeated themselves in so many ways with "I left". Not by choice or desire, but by no choice or control. I left my efforts to protect a dangerous situation, I left myself, I left my heart broken and shattered. I left with fear I never wanted to revisit. I left with the words and the eyes that attacked me many nights behind closed doors. I left wanting someone to show me, to prove to me that everything will be okay, that I will be okay (but that couldn't happen). I left knowing there are more pieces to pick up, some to discard some to hold onto.
I feel what little I have left is the circle of those who I hold with the utmost respect and close in my circle. I know and learn to trust that they know if and when I am ready I will talk and they are there to walk this part of the journey with me as I need with love and no judgement.
Sometimes the best proctection the pearl has, is within the shell that holds its value. Once released and extracted the elements can be so much harsher. For now my shell is my safety. For now l pick up the pieces and focus back on a daughter who needs me and who enjoys life no matter how hard it is or how brutal it treats her. She finds and exudes joy in her journey as much as possible. She shows me who I am trying to find and become. She shows me beauty when beauty seems gone.
Sometimes the best proctection the pearl has, is within the shell that holds its value. Once released and extracted the elements can be so much harsher. For now my shell is my safety. For now l pick up the pieces and focus back on a daughter who needs me and who enjoys life no matter how hard it is or how brutal it treats her. She finds and exudes joy in her journey as much as possible. She shows me who I am trying to find and become. She shows me beauty when beauty seems gone.
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