Today I faced a fear I had unknowingly developed of facing God with my fears. I had become afraid of the very one who I needed to help me with my fears. Shame found its way in through open doors. God had still been quietly speaking and leading me to things that I would need to grab my heart. He was also using those things as a way to not let go of a deep desire and pursuance for him and his truths my heart seeks and hungers for.
As I found my self releasing into a place of humble worship tears began to flow as I acknowledged and poured my heart out before him. There were times the thoughts and areas of repentance would be stuck in my head wondering how I could verbally and audibly express my heart to him. Then he ushered me into a place of praying in the Spirit. I repeated the same phrase over and over as these areas I needed to release came to mind. What I realized was what I didn't and couldn't express His Spirit expressed for me.
While in this moment, he brought back a vision he had given me once before standing under a showerhead as it sprinkled blood down over my head and body. What would pour as blood would become clear and clean as it touched my body. I was now able to fully step into His presence as he would reveal areas of the mountain cave he pulled me back into.
I could not see what I needed to see without being in the secret place of His presence. I had allowed myself to rebuild a protective wall between me and the Father based on Satan and his demons at work. My fear was the raging storms around me as he was asking me to walk on the water to Him. However, I let this wall that represented so many things be built blocking not only my view but my ability to reach Him. I, like Peter, was sinking. I failed to trust and see him amid everything around me.
As I came into His presence and allowed him to show me things I missed in the deep dark area of this mountain, I found myself finding and realizing the value of the gems he has in my life. The value and love of friendships. The value of discovering laughter again. Prophets and prophetess he would lead me to gain nuggets of truth and revelation. Preachers and teachers that would drop their own revelations of truth, calling me to face before the father. The details and delicate intricacies of bugs. Bugs that seem to be so unappreciated and more of an annoyance at times yet play such a valuable unrecognized role in our ecosystem created by a loving Father who thought of everything.
If he puts so much worth and detail into bugs, how much more does he put into me? Mankind may not find bugs and many people appreciated or of value because of the struggle we face to be willing to look beyond what we cannot see. God who created and sees all did not forget one single detail or value of worth. Not just for bugs but for me and you. How are we seeing others he created? Do we see them as valuable to God or do we see them and their brokenness as an annoyance to creation? Do we stop to complain and cast them aside or do we put ourselves aside and commit to praying and asking God what is our part in showing his love to broken, scared, and dying world?
When I entered into his presence humbled and willing to be exposed he was able to turn on his light in the dark places of my heart while he showed me the beauty in the dark places I would have missed. Without a ray of his light shining in the dark, I cannot see the diamonds. What am I leaving behind for me and for him, by not allowing his light to shine in the dark, cold, scary places of life?
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