2021 Reflections On Content

 As I sit reflecting on this past year along with the word I had for the year, I have to admit I am certainly glad to see the year behind me.  The past year was very difficult for many reasons, and I now understand why God gave me the word "content" for 2021.  It was a word I struggled to receive as my word for the year.

I knew when I received the word content it was not meant to be content in a material sort of way, but it would be much deeper; although I can see how that area would be put to the test as well.  Content would be presented in the aspect of God asking me to be put to the test that I would be "content" that He is enough in all things.

Looking back there were probably many times I failed in being content to even trust let alone have faith that He was enough.  Contentment came to teach in accepting at a deeper level of Pappa, protector, provider, husband, friend, mother, guide, healer.  I had to be content to be put on the shelf which for the longest time only revealed to myself more layers of my heart that required the shelf in order to search and deal with things more deeply.  Being content to be placed in a position of silence in writing, serving, ministering while God took me through heart rehab.  I am not completely where I need to be as I recognize contentment will be an ongoing lesson.

I had to become content to work through grief over my dog as well as relationships and marriage.  I had to learn contentment in a failed marriage.  I had to let go of my plan and location for moving and be content with where He is sending me.   I had to be content to let go of "better" to trust his 'best."  Content to allow His plan for my current and future financial means to be stepping stones of provision that may have been different than the plan of provision I wanted.  Content to become broken and shattered so that the exposure could allow the transparency for more freedom and healing.  Content to show my ugly and broken so that Pappa could show and display His beauty.  Content to walk through Covid with his hand and hedge of protection so that I could face things in the demonic realm so that I could learn a greater level of authority and complete reliance on Him.  Content for my next breath to be that of the Holy Spirits.  Content to have no physical strength of my own but to be fully reliant on His strength.  Content to be put in a position where my faith would be increased.  Content to learn and understand forgiveness in ways I had yet to understand.  Content that part of forgiveness would be releasing blessings even when the pain and hurt were still there because it would be a healing oil for my soul.

Contentment came with new promises and opportunities for the future.  Contentment came with a new word for 2022.  That word is Jubilee.  I look forward to walking into his promises and opportunities for the future as he leads me from one season and brings me into a new Jubilee season of New Beginnings.

Who is your Author?

12-31-21

We all hear about how our life is like that of a book.  Each day we live and the things we go through write our story and have great potential to grow us or destroy us.  We have all have an author for our book.  It is up to us to choose the author.  We must choose wisely how we listen to the words in which will be written.  If we are not careful, the author we prefer may become replaced by the thoughts that consume our mind.  If we are not careful about what is about to be written, those thoughts become actions that flow from the author’s pen. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” AMP  He wants to be our full-time author of our story.  He is patient and kind but will never force himself to write our story.  We must trust what will flow from the tip of his pen to the pages of our life.  Even when we allow the pen to be handed over to the thoughts and words of Satan our Papa just waits to be handed back the pen so that he can continue writing.  We must make the choice to hand it to him through repentance.  He then takes the pen and cleans it off with His Son's bloodshed on the cross.

There will be times as the pages turn that those pages get marked and smudged with tears or even dirt from the hurt of our life.  They may even become tattered and torn.  He invites us to sit with him as he writes so that we can share the pages of our story together.  It is a necessary process because he will only write what we grant the thoughts He gives us to be written.  There will be chapters and versions of our already written book we may release or want to be released.  However, there will also be times where we will be placed on the shelf and as our author needs to edit our story.  He may also take us through preparation training for something greater, he wants to write.  There is no shame in being shelved, while revisions and reviews are being done about what was once written or needs to be rewritten.  He desires to replace some of the torn and tattered pages and give beautiful new pages to our book.  He only desires to write the best story, but we must fully give him control of the pen of our life and allow him to make revisions and beauty out of all the pages both past and present.

Value of a Pearl

9-26-21

Pearls represent wisdom gained through experience.  They are produced by a living organism because of injury or irritant brought into them.  It begins by forming a layer with a nacre—mother-of-pearl around the irritant.  This is done by secretion of a mineral as well as a protein.  It is in the chemical combination of the two we not only see the strength but the lustrous beauty that comes from the pearl.  It is out of pain and suffering beauty is formed and can become a gem of great worth.  It is only in the depths that such things of value are formed. 

As I thought about all of this and the process, I realized how we are formed by hard irritants, pains, and sufferings of life.  The beauty part can only happen if we are chemically mixed by the grace and blood of Jesus.  It is his blood that produces the lustrous beauty from what we have experienced.  Just like with the pearl it is a process that develops over a period of time.

I continued in my thoughts about how the value of the pearl is only really appreciated by the one who sees and values its worth.  Some pearls are found in groups, some found single and alone within its shell source.  Some are of such different colors, even rarity such a black pearl.  The black pearl is only found and developed by a special type of oyster and only in a certain part of the world.  Its rarity is said to hold greater value.  Imagine how different it may look to find a black pearl among pure white or iridescent pearls.  One might without knowledge think it doesn’t fit in or could be of lesser value because it is so different from the rest.

I stopped to ponder for a moment and found myself asking this question.  Do we see the value in the pearl?  Do we see value in the people we don’t know, but especially the ones we do know?  What about the ones that are much different than us?  Do they hold greater value, less value, or no value at all?  Do we hold any value to the clam, oyster, etc. that went through much pain and suffering to form the pearl?  What value do we give or what worth do we find? 

Once a pearl is harvested or collected the clam, oyster, etc. must die for the pearl to be extracted.  Much like things of our past must die for our value to become of worth.  For the pearl once extracted to show its worth, it must be cleaned up and polished with great care.  Its care must also be maintained and valued to hold its value.  It must be protected from the abrasives and corrosive materials of life outside of the shell.

Some may see the outside of a shell of someone and see they may hold something much greater within, but do they really see the value of the gem hidden deep inside?  Do they help get the gem extracted, polish it, and nurture it with the actions of Christ?  If we are not careful our actions can be abrasive or corrosive to pearls of great value.  If we are not careful, in how we treat others, the value of a pearl extracted can become a pearl of little worth.  If we truly see the value of others, how are we treating and caring for them or each other or even ourselves?  Do we see ourselves as pearls? 

Matthew 7:6 says, “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy.  Don’t throw your pearls to the pigs!  They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.”  If we see God’s treasure in others despite them being different, we must be careful by our actions with others we are not casting them to the pigs to be trampled and devalued. 

Just like there is a process and time involved for a pearl to be formed, extracted, polished, etc. it is the same for people.  There is a process to truly exposing and discovering the beauty and value of a pearl.  We must realize this same concept with people.  They may be the different black pearl in a bowl full of white pearls, but they still hold a value that sometimes just needs time to shine and be discovered, not buried, or thrown to the pigs.  We may truly find how valuable they are, especially in the eyes of Christ if we treat them with care, compassion, empathy, kindness, and love to name a few.  We may need to let them rest in a bowl and let the glisten of the sun shining through an open window, expose some depth of their beauty.  We may need to pull them out and sit and hold them in our hand, and carefully wipe away the words, and things of life that could cause them damage.  We are all pearls waiting to be discovered.  We have already been discovered by our Father.  Do we value those he has placed in our lives, see and nurture value, or do we carelessly toss them in a jar and put them on a shelf maybe to be forgotten?   Or do we carelessly throw them like scraps to the pigs because they don’t shine and fit into our circle?

There is so much division and lost and dying relationships that have occurred over this past year.  Many of us may have either thrown pearls (relationships, words, actions, etc.) to the pigs, or we have failed to see the value and polish and hold what we have been given.

Matthew 14:45-46 says “Again the Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant on the lookout for choice pearls.  When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it!”  I think these verses say so much that if we value what we see in others, that we must sell some of our time, idols, etc. to truly appreciate and cultivate the value of what we can hold in our hands.

On A Date With Jesus

7-26-21

Saturday, I was having a conversation with my brother about what a relationship and intimacy was supposed to look like.  At the end of the conversation, we together let God give us a word that would be connected somehow.  I heard the phrase “Date Me”.  I then stumbled upon a notification that I might be interested in dating Jesus that a group (I was not part of) was having and having a date night in just two hours from when I saw the email notification from FB.  Now keep in mind that I basically cut many things and friends out this past week including FB to focus on Jesus and find different ways for me to try to see what he says about me, the trauma-based identity, and complex stress and decisions regarding the divorce I am in.

I had also practiced putting aside formal type prayers and learned to sit on the couch while he sat in the chair across from me and have out loud casual friend-type conversation.  This was huge trying to break a legalistic religion-type mentality.  I had told him and also shared with someone else that I wanted to start preparing food (snacks etc) and beverages (coffee preferably) for him to share with me.

So after finding (being led), connecting, and listening last night in this group it was confirmation.  Confirmation that he would take me on a journey of learning relationship and dating, free from what I have always known and feared.

Fast forward I get up Sunday morning and just took time relaxing, sitting, and enjoying the idea of just dating Jesus or realizing this deeper revelation of truly having a friend.  His voice was so clear again as he said let’s go on a date.  What?!  Really?!  I got so excited.  I put on makeup and dressed my face up a bit.  I never wear makeup!  I felt so special and pretty.  The last time I put makeup on was for a court hearing a few years ago.  

I was also anxious as I never do anything or go anywhere by myself so since it’s just me I rarely leave my apartment.  I replied back “okay, but you have to keep me safe and give me courage.”  That he did!  I asked him where we were going.  He knew I wanted to see the ghost plant or Indian pipe flowers.  I had never seen them before but heard they were out and blooming.

I connect so much through creation.  The beauty of it all is my love language.  We drove north about 10 minutes to an environmental education park.  I made sure to pack some snacks and water for us both and buckle him in the passenger seat of my car.  I took my camera and everywhere I looked there was an element of beauty and detail in so many things.  I am not sure how many pictures I took today.  I played some music that focused on him as a father or his goodness.  I could feel his hand touch my shoulder at times and say here look at this.  I got to pet a bumblebee watch butterflies flutter in the prairie.  The walk would continue to lead us to the forest area where I expressed to him how much I wanted to find the ghost plant flowers.  He replied, “I know, just keep listening and watching.  I will point them out.”  He didn’t disappoint.  I should have asked to not be kissed and loved by so many mosquitoes. We shared so much casual conversation back and forth.  

We eventually finished the walk and headed back to the car, where I retrieved the waters and snacks as he pointed out a bench for us to go sit down for a while.  We had the best time.  He told me he enjoyed our time.  He treated me so special.  He enjoyed what I enjoyed and without criticism or mockery of my excitement.  We laughed, we cried, we talked, we shared, and simply put just enjoyed each other's company.  He kept expressing to me in so many ways how special I was and how much he just simply enjoyed me and my date time with him.  I expressed it back as well.  It is so hard to just put it into words.  I could hear and feel just like I would imagine I could see, hear, and feel a close friend or relative.  It was so genuine.

We would eventually leave and he told me to turn right to go up the road a ways to a spot at the lake I have enjoyed at the local state park.  Typically I would turn left to go home.  I was again so glad I did.  I captured more photos and even got some beautiful photos of some swallowtail butterflies.  I noticed some very unique birds nest made underneath the bridge overpass.  We would eventually rest a few minutes watching the sailboats and listening to the water lap the shoreline.  We would finish our walk by taking another walk into the woods.  

As we were finishing our walk (still in the woods) I shared how much I enjoyed the day and our time together.  How loved and appreciated I felt.  How much fun it was having someone to share time with that enjoyed what I enjoyed.  Just as we were getting ready to leave the woods he says look down.  There was the brightest red-topped heart-shaped mushroom!    A little beyond that was a brown-shaped mushroom.  Two hearts of love in his fingerprint and plan for our beautiful day.

I cannot tell you when the last time I enjoyed my day let alone by myself; but not really because I was on a date with Jesus.

Cicadas

 

Cicadas

June 17, 2019

So I have been thinking a lot about cicadas and the lives of broken people.

Cicadas hide in the ground much like that of people wanting to hide from the shame they carry inside.  They live in the ground as a means of protecting themselves from the world.  They remain there for 17 years only to come out in a quest to fulfill a deeper need.  They make a bunch of noise, they want to be heard, they want to be recognized.  All this to gain the achievement and satisfaction to fill a void that will ultimately lead to their death.

Broken people spend time hiding and masking their deep pain.  They become exhausted in the efforts of hiding their pain and shame till they begin to search for a different quest to cover and fill their need.  They make a lot of noise in their actions or words through means of addictions, etc. only to risk death whether physical, spiritual, or emotional.

How many cicadas know the destruction they are facing?  How many broken people just looking for real honest love and healing realize their same destruction?

Yes, death is inevitable to the cicada, but death doesn’t have to be inevitable for broken people.  We all can show love, speak life, and do a random act of kindness without judgment or conditions.  Broken people much like the cicada want to be heard, but deep down they want to be recognized to be loved and accepted in all circumstances.  Love leads them to the path of forgiveness and healing.

The Blooming Onion

 

1-29-21

The Blooming Onion

I have recently been opening up and expressing some thoughts about going through a difficult season.  After church last night, in casual conversation I opened up a little more and asked if I would be able to seek some help at some point for processing or helping me deal with it.  We stopped right there and in prayer through the power of the Holy Spirit just left him to deal with it.  After experiencing some deliverance, there was such a release and lightweight feeling to all that I had been carrying.  I had finally felt an undeniable peace about all things; about myself.

I came home exhausted but just consumed by peace.  I could hardly sleep but in the process of the insomnia God was speaking to my heart.  One of the things he showed me and talked to me about was a blooming onion.  Walk with me through this process as we uncover what he shared with me about life and freedom through discipleship and deliverance.

Onions come from the ground and dirt.  The longer they remain in the dirt and mud, the bigger they grow.  We are much like onions.  We end up in the dirt and mud of life through choices of our own, or not of our own.  This can happen through a variety of means we don’t need to get into now.  The longer we stay there the bigger and more layers our onion develops. 

One day, God finds a way for our onion to be dug up and uncovered.  He asks us to let him wash the dirt off our life.  His washing of our life is through the shedding of his blood.  Then he asks us to shed that outer dry protective layer of the onion through his water baptism.  Then the next layer is revealed with a little bit of a thicker brown that seems to be a little tougher skin but still somewhat fragile.  This happens through the baptism of the Holy Spirit and his indwelling in us for the revelation needed for what he will walk and carry us through.  Then lastly comes a much tougher layer of the onion that needs to be peeled away before the worth of the onion is left exposed.  This process is through deliverance.  It is a necessary step to shed that tough layered protective skin off that holds those many things that grew the many layers of our onion of life.  It is the door that demonic spirits settled in through to strengthen the burning juices of the onion that can bring us to tears.  He simply is saying let me get things out of the way so that we can work layer by layer through the raw vulnerable onion.  Let me shed these things I am showing you.  I want to show you how the pungency of your onion become something sweet and desired.

After showing me these necessary steps, my thoughts questioned my struggles at times and this realization that I may or may not find other thicker layers growing within.  Why do I find myself struggling so much at times?  Why do new things get brought to the surface?  I was reminded again, the symbolic meaning of onions having layers and God will uncover those different layers.  We may even have more than onion in our garden that needs dug up and uncovered.

It is in these whole raw pungent onions being exposed through watery eyes and even tears he is revealing what these layers represent that he wants to cut and peel away at.  We may even find ourselves in a more vulnerable hurting place as he picks up his knife and begins to cut and carve our onion through the core, but still leaving us intact for a different purpose.  Those cuts, and pungent aromas of tear-filled aromatic juices that sting our eyes and our soul and we beg for his surgical knife not to hurt and sting so bad.  He quietly says but I have great plans for what I am doing, and my hand and eyes are in this.  He is making us into a blooming onion.

He takes us so far in this painful process.  He lets us rest and then bathes and clothes us with his love.  He knows the next steps needed will be even harder, because of the heat we will need to face.  Much like the onion.  It gets carved and left to rest while the batter is prepared.  It then gets dipped and bathed in the batter before facing the hot oil or oven.

I was then reminded of the song, “There is another in the fire”.  He never leaves when we are placed in the fire.  He is in there and watching us.  He is using the fire to refine and sweeten us in his love.  He is removing the pungency from our lives.  He lets us go in the fire to soften our hearts for his heart.

When the onion is done cooking it is removed and left to rest while served with a dipping sauce.  He presents us as a sweet blooming onion to continue to be dipped in another taste of his love but this time we are served to others through the gifts and sweetness he has given through the petals of understanding, love, and the compassion that have come about from our life. 

A raw onion, by itself, may not be the most appealing and may seem a bit repulsive.  If we let him peel and work through those layers through pain and tears and hard raw moments of exposure, he will be able to turn our onion from raw and pungent to delightfully sweet and tasty of his goodness.

The Master Quilter

The Master Quilter

10-12-2020

The other day I got this picture in my mind as I was engaging in a conversation with someone.  It has really continued to stay at the front of my mind.  I got this picture of a quilt.  I could see just a glimpse of what the finished quilt may look like, but oh so briefly.  What I ended up seeing more of was the many pieces of fabric.  Many of them seemed to be held in a container of some sort.  What I ended up hearing and realizing was simply this.  “You must give me the fabric pieces, so I can piece the quilt together to finish the work I started.”

So many things in our life represent the pieces of fabric needed to make a beautiful quilt.  Some of those pieces represent memories, circumstances, decisions, control, as well as many other things.  We hang onto them.  We hold them and maybe even put them on the shelf for a period.  If all we do is hold the pieces of fabric in our container or our hands, it will never be able to be used as part of a beautiful masterpiece in the quilt artistry.  We must be willing to let go of those pieces and hand them over to the master quilter.  We must allow him to piece and stitch things together.  We must be willing to allow him to trim the frayed edges and loose threads.  We must truly relinquish control and go through the necessary steps and process in order to become a unique and beautifully crafted masterpiece that can be used as well as tell of his wondrous handiwork.

One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.  “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  He has the design of our quilt already planned.  A quilt that serves to offer hope of his goodness.  A quilt cannot serve its useful purpose if the pieces are not handed over.  God’s plans for our life are limited if we do not hand ourselves over to his will and ways for our life.

Another one of my favorites that seems to fit this quilt says this in Philippians 1:6. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.  He will be faithful to work the quilt of our life and one day, when we meet him face to face we will see the wondrous beauty of his finished product of our life.  What we are willing to hand over and give him determines the finished product and size of our quilt.  All those unused pieces we try to hold onto, that he could not use and trim while we are here on earth are pieces of our quilts story.  Those unused pieces may represent those questions God asks us when we meet him face to face.

Those extra worn fabric pieces, those stained fabric pieces, those brand-new vibrant pieces, are we willing to let our exhaustion, our hurts, and failures, our most treasured possessions keep him from the much larger finished quilt he has for us?

To be honest, I am struggling to give up some of the pieces that involve trusting his timing and healing for my life.  Health issues have been quite a struggle lately affecting many things.  I find myself exhausted wanting to cling to my pieces of the quilt rather than hand them over to trust his process.  I cry because the pieces are worn and stained, and I sometimes simply cannot see the beauty of such pieces being part of a beautiful quilted masterpiece.  The reality is he wants to take my frustration, and tear-stained exhausted pieces and blanket me with his love.  He wants to wrap me in the quilt of his love he is piecing together just for me.  I just need to be willing to let go and give it all to him.  All the quilt pieces of life.

Crossing The Old Worn Bridge

Crossing the Old Worn Bridge

 10-7-2020

Yesterday as I was in worship in my quiet time, I got this vision of an old worn wooden plank bridge.  I have gotten recent words and impressions about bridges prior as little nuggets being dropped along my path for me to pick up.  This was a vision with a very clear word not only for the season many of us may find ourselves in but should be for every day.  Let’s explore it together.

I found myself wandering and talking as I was taking this walk with what seemed to be a field with some trees and somewhat of a sparse forest ahead.  The conditions for my walk seemed to be that of a partly cloudy day.  It wasn’t sunny, but it certainly was not overcast and gloomy.  Up ahead I could see this stream cut through the field in which I was walking.  As I got closer, I got a glimpse of this old worn wooden plank bridge, that looked as if it had many feet walk across as well as weathered many different storms and weather conditions.  I was drawn to what was on the other side of the bridge.  It just seemed to glow as the sun was so vibrant beaming its light through the trees. 

I paused and pondered whether I wanted to cross this well-worn bridge that seemed to be in need of some new planks.  I could hear God saying so clear:

 “Come closer into my presence.”

 I tried state my concerns about crossing such a worn bridge. 

“There’s peace in my presence.”

 Yes, I can see that, I would reply.  Getting over there is difficult.  That’s not a shallow stream.  It’s trenches and banks seem steep.

“Do you trust me?”

Ugh, yes.  Alright, I am struggling to trust with what my eyes see in front of me.

“Remember Peter?”

Why yes, I remember that story well.

“As long as he looked up and focused on me, he had nothing to fear.  It was when he looked down at the circumstances in front of him, that he ran into trouble.  Do you trust me?”

Yes, I trust you.

“You’re in my presence, but sometimes I will call you further into my presence, but you need to understand what that requires.  Many will only acknowledge and come so far into my presence.  This can grieve me as I want and have so much more for them.  Coming closer may require some repair work of the bridge I am asking you to cross.  Coming closer may be dealing with the old rusty spikes holding the boards together that are still painful memories.  Coming closer may be the rotted wood of destructive sin areas that remain in your life.  Coming closer may be dealing with the broken and splintering planks that are weak in your journey with me.  Coming closer may be those missing boards of loved ones or burdens I have placed on your heart that I am calling you to interceded and build the missing planks that connects this bridge to my heart.  Are you willing to come closer?”

As I paused, I picked my head up from the view of the bridge and looked at the sun that was shining so bright as if it was calling and drawing me closer.  With a deep sigh and breath, I said yes, I am ready.  Please help me to trust you where I seem to lack trust.

I would then find myself now kneeling down at the beginning of the worn bridge in not only worship, but repentance, and intercession.  I was placing some of the nuggets I would pick up along the way, to find the tools I would need to evaluate and repair the bridge in front of me.

It got quiet for a few moments as he left me prepare and ponder, my response to his request.  He had something else to share, but this time a bit more of a warning.  “Remember I said only some will be willing to come so far into my presence?  They miss so much of my goodness, healings, and miracles, provisions, and peace that are found by surrendered obedience to my request of coming closer into my intimate presence.  Those that are willing to allow me to remove the old broken planks of demonic spirits, addictions, and sins are allowing me to help them fix this broken bridge that draws them closer into my intimate presence.  It’s not an easy or preferred journey, but necessary in order to be drawn closer to my heart and your head on my chest as you listen to my heartbeat for you.  Unfortunately, some prefer to only go so far and are afraid to leave their familiar and comfort of their old ways.  It saddens me that they will miss all the best things I have for their life.  Where I call you will not be easy, but I promise my presence never leaves, and better awaits the closer you come closer to me.  Are you still willing to come closer, even when it is painful?”

Yes, I am!  Show me the beauty in the process of the worn boards and rusty spikes.  Remind me of the beauty that always continues to rise from the ashes.  Remind me of the dust you use, with the living water of yourself you use to form a beautiful vessel.  Yes, I am ready.  I know that if I slip and fall you will pick me back up and put me back on the bridge that leads me closer to you.

Baptism Service Recap

 Baptism Recap

10-2-20

    

Last night I was given the most beautiful experience by choosing to follow a path of obedience to what I knew my father wanted me to do.  The process leading to the experience did not come without resistance and a game of tug of war between God and Satan.  I briefly explained how I was feeling numb, yet I could sense things on both sides of me.  The closer the opportunity came I could feel them moving and the opposition pulling me in two different directions. 

I had been going through the week with frustrations to health issues and this feeling of numbness that was almost leaving me with no spiritual hunger or feeling.  It was not a feeling I liked or could appreciate.  It became a war all its own.  Again, though I knew God was calling me to baptism.  I had such a strong feeling of what I knew it was to represent and what the process was to look like for me.  It was not so much this outwardly expression to those who would watch, but this choice of choosing to be dipped and cleansed at a deeper level under the anointed washing water of the Holy Spirit.   I had to choose to put myself in the hands of the process.  I had to face this fear of being submerged in water, where I had to choose to relinquish control and complete trust in someone else.  I had to release this hidden fear of water submerging that I held.

I look back on the day and as I watched so many pieces of the puzzle come together, it was only a puzzle that God could orchestrate.  I had this picture of how I thought the plan was supposed to work despite all the opposing forces.  I had arrangements to have a ride with a friend and was going to push through in riding along for obedience no matter how I felt.  At what would seem like a last-minute change God still had a plan and a purpose that I could not see.  He had to challenge and expose yet another area of my heart that I was in, amid this struggle.  Disappointment, frustration, defeat, guilt, and a few others came charging in through a cracked door.  I had texted my really good friend to express a few my feelings,  As I tried to process all this diverse amount of thoughts, I text her again, asking her to give me a call to help me process the deepest feeling of the fact I felt like I let Satan win, for what I could not seem to control.  I was struggling so much health-wise that day, I knew it would not be safe for me to travel and travel alone an hour away.

While I was dealing with my thoughts and emotions and while talking with my friend about my feelings, God was at work.  He was passionately pursuing the very thing he was calling me to do.  The game of tug of war intensified and God was not backing down.  I just had to be willing to continue to say yes father and pull harder to your will for my life. 

As I was on the phone with my dear friend, I received a message from another friend who I was only getting to know through Facebook.  I had never physically met her.  Her message basically said she heard I was looking and needing a ride to the service that night.  I melted in tears to my other friend on the phone through the intense fog as I could see God’s pursuit of his plan.  I welcomed the ride and trusted my friend who I was on the phone with who played a part in setting it all up.  I trusted the process and realized I was seeing how my heart was continually being healed as I accepted to get in a car as a passenger for an hour one way for someone I had not yet physically met.  Those that know me, know this is not of my character or within my comfort zone.

I came to learn that she had only found out about the baptism just a few hours prior by running into Kevin in Walmart.  I find this funny as I do not like much about Walmart and could be found to question what good things can come from Walmart.  Let me answer that.  God!  God will set things up in the most unlikely of places as pieces of a much bigger divine plan.

As my friend prepared to go that evening, she had a question and had tried to reach out to Kevin who was unavailable, so she reached out to his wife, Amy.  Amy had just learned from me the change in my plans and the disappointment that I was wrestling with.  Had she been able to reach Kevin, my need for a ride would not have been known.  The pieces had to fit together just right for God’s picture to be revealed of his passionate love and pursuit for me.

My friend picked me up and the next hour would continue to be such a beautiful thing.  I started off struggling to communicate due to intense brain fog.  I had to continue to place my trust for strength and clarity for what I was to receive by my act of obedience to what I was being called to do.  I ended up sharing my testimony story with her as she drove.    The further we went and the more I shared about the love and goodness of what God was doing in my life through the wonderful people he is placing in it, I noticed the brain fog lift and my conversation became clear.  Another element and realization of the war I was in.  The more I continued to follow the choice the father was calling me in, I was being released from the opposition.  It was losing its power on me.  A victory release was on the horizon.

We arrived and found a place to park and I would still find myself wrestling with some anxiety I had been dealing with about the process as well as being in an unfamiliar environment.  As we approached, I hadn’t noticed it much until I walked in the door of the church, but the atmosphere was changing.  As soon as I stepped in, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit that had already made Himself at home as he settled in and blanketed the area for all who walked through the doors.  He so beautifully prepared the place and people for what he was about to do that night.

There seemed to be no hesitation in the atmosphere and the anointing of the worship.  I honestly have to say, it was almost hard to explain.  As the one song was being played and sang, I broke into tears over the mere thought as the words would penetrate my heart.  “You’re the Alpha and Omega…”  I was stuck and froze on the concept of that phrase.  The idea of the beginning and the end.  I got this vision of a single egg illuminated in an ovary of a mother’s womb.  I was reminded of his beautiful process of how he brings us into his beginning of our life and a glimpse of his ending.  As I watched this single illuminated egg follow this path that would lead to the Omega symbol, I realized the symbol was that of a gated entrance to heaven.  The only opening in the symbol would be the part that would be on a path's edge much like that of an arbor.  I could see the radiance of what appeared to be glorious heaven beyond the symbol.  I was reminded of this one-way in.  As I tried to once again wrap my thoughts into this glorious vision, I felt myself wondering, but God how does it fit into you are the Alpha and Omega when the vision seemed to start as me in the form of an egg.  It was simple.  He gently spoke I delicately formed that egg.  It started with me and my plan.  The omega shows you a glimpse of the last of my eternal plan to live in heaven with me.  I was so captivated by this mere thought of love and passion of father who included me and you into his beginning and end into his Alpha and Omega.

As I found myself leaving this captivating vision and re-engaging in worship, I would be caught in several other encounters.  One which seemed to happen several times.  That one was feeling his presence so close to me I could feel the breeze and air of him putting a glorious robe down over my head and letting it drape my body as he was clothing me in his pure and beautiful presence.  The first one my friend said she saw the angel beside me.  I later learned the fragrance that I was smelling (I thought should come from the soap I used on my hands but didn’t) was the fragrance of the flower petals this angel was tossing on and around me.  I thought about this beautiful moment late last night as I realized it was symbolic of his lavish love and royalty for me.  I could almost picture it as that of one preparing the walkway for a bride.  The romantic aroma of the flower petals in celebration of the bride and the bridegroom.  Oh, how he celebrates us.

One other pivotal vision I experienced during worship was when the anointing fell upon one of the worship leaders as an intercession for worship was occurring.  As I was taking it all in, I watched a large number of angels’ release from and make their way throughout the sanctuary as they walked and flew above and among the people.  You could feel them and feel their light breeze blow as they would pass by or over you.

I would learn that many were being healed and touched just merely from the presence of the Holy Spirit just in the worship alone.  What a way to prepare for a message on forgiveness, shame, and guilt.  God would use that message to have me look at some things in my heart I had been wrestling with recently as part of the preparation for baptism. 

I was standing back somewhat observing simply for the fact I was wrestling within myself that this was going to be a life-changing experience and I had to be ready to take another deep level of commitment of being all for the one I was finding such love for.  I was feeling intimidated and doubt.  Yet I knew Satan was going to still keep trying clear up to the last minute in whatever way he could.  As I noticed Kevin look and wait for the next person, he spotted me and called me out to take my turn.  Ugh!  The butterflies that would rise as I realized there was no turning back.  I had so many things run through my head as I would make my way up and into the baptismal.  Kevin, spoke a few words about the opportunity of knowing me for the past two years and the transformation he has got to watch take place.  The key moment of when he first met me or more less saw me, I had a knife and pepper spray in my hand ready to take out anyone who dare come near.  The steps and processes that would take place as he got to be part of taking me through deliverance, watching my life grow and transform, to now have the honor and privilege to be the one to baptize me.  It was such a divine plan by God.  As I came back up out of the water, trying to catch my breath from the vision, yet this last unhinged anxiety release over my issue with water submersion (out of my control) I felt but for a moment disconnected yet I was still captivated by glimpses of the vision I seen as I went down and came up.

I have always wrestled with the assurance of my faith, as well as heaven.  So much stemming from years of legalism.  I knew this baptism was a portion of a deeper pursuant run after Jesus.  It was also a cleansing process by which is the blood that was shed this water, would represent the washing away of those things that would yet try to remain.  As I went down and came back up, I was taken into another complete different realm, where I found myself facing the heavenly and the Omega as I saw the brightest most brilliant clouds and Jesus standing there with his arms outstretched as I heard him say run to me and after me.  It was this radiant call of pursuit.  It seemed like so much happened in such a pivotal time as I felt like I lost another block of time, from being caught up and wrapped in the love and assurance of my father’s love. 

There ended up being one more key thing that happened while I was in the baptismal.  Someone had stepped up to the edge and wanted to speak something to me.  As she began to speak it was like I watched a blind being pulled because the father had one more moment and word for me.  I broke down in tears with what probably seemed like a connection to what was being said, but it was what the father drew me into to say to my heart.  On this blind, that was drawn and I had this feeling of being in a soundproof room, I would see the word “passionate” displayed on this blind.  I later realized this room I was drawn into was one that I had been familiar with many years ago from time spent in a psychiatric hospital.  He momentarily took me back to this room as a way of healing and releasing another area of my heart.  That area that still had some hidden connected feelings that he was giving new meaning and life into. 

It was different as he would say ‘I am passionately in love with you.”  Those words would break me as I had developed a deeper sense of safety and peace in his presence.  Nothing of the outside world would be able to enter this representation of safety.   What love of a father that would pull you closer to show you something far greater.  

As I watched anther baptism occur with someone I know, I witnessed a completely different vision and one I honestly have to say I would have ever expected.  This young man on fire for the things of Jesus came out of the water being delivered.  He came out of the water shaking and convulsing under the power of deliverance and the Holy Spirit.  As I watched this occur, I saw the layers of this heavy metal armor being ripped by pieces off him.  I knew it was the hand of God taking away the heavyweight of an old armor of protection that he was carrying.  I ended up sharing with him what I saw and felt God saying.  The old armor was heavy and cumbersome.  It represented protection from past things.  But God’s armor is much lighter, more effective, and will always be what he needs for any battle. 

Towards the end of the baptism line of people, I watched this young girl get baptized and being set free in the baptismal.  I ended up seeing this snake that was weakening and loosening itself from her and then finally releases and vanishes.  It still gives me chills to see so many beautiful details packed into last night.  Deliverance and freedom are such beautiful things as you realize the depths of love God has for freeing those he loves.  He is so passionate to adopt his children to love, nurture, and create beautiful masterpieces to put on display for his glory.

We had such another wonderful drive home with wonderful conversation, and I was so blessed to better know my new friend and God’s beautiful plan for the day.  It was late and we were both quite tired.  I would eventually find my way into bed, and my mind continually replaying what seemed like a clip of a movie.  I would wake in the middle of the night around 2:00am as God was waking me up intermittently to finish showing me bits and pieces to all that had played out.  The final pieces in place and I would wake this morning in such praise, adoration, and song.  I was fatigued but minimal fog.  He assured me he would help me accomplish what needed to be accomplished with one condition.  I had to be flexible to his plan and order of the day.  It would seem like I kept jumping from thing to thing or back and forth, but because I let my father tell me what to do when and what breaks were needed at what times from certain activities, I was surprised yet grateful at was accomplished.  Even the little things make a difference in our learning to “Let Go, Let God”.  Those  “Be Still and Know” moments.

10-4-20 Update

I am going to add a correction to this post.  I removed what I felt God needed me to remove.  I want to say, our father loves us so much that he will show us when we miss something or share something that is not part of his reflection.  I was humbled by how, who, and what he used to show a lesson in Satan's deceptive ways.  How our perception or view of something can be missed or mispresented that may not be of our father.  

As I pause my thoughts I am reminded of the saying the greater the call God has for your life, the greater the warfare of Satan.  He sure kept trying even after he lost.  Even though he lost at the game of tug of war, he kept trying to see if one end of my rope was still available.  It is so important to be aware and mindful and keep it a prayer for God to discern or redirect what would not be of him as well as be open to correction.

I was gently put in a place to view something that caused me to look in the mirror and see a glimpse of myself.  I realized how often, the real heart of who I was could be missed by others' perception of me and what they saw, but they may not have really known about me.  How satan can form and present thoughts and visions himself that reflect something much different than what the true reality may be for an individual or ourselves.  Our human ability sees so much from the outside and easily leans to perception and an assumption of what we see.  Only that individual like myself in times of life only knows along with God the depths of pain and truth that Satan may misconstrue differently or try to get us to see.  I was reminded by a loving father to be careful of what I say and present for a situation I never walked or had direct contact or experience with involving the life of another.  

How many times I wanted granted to me that same thing, and here it is, he let me look in the mirror for a self-evaluation He sees beyond what we see or what Satan may want us to see.  Some things are not ours to always interpret or present.  I am in awe of the love and correction of a father who always seeks to refine and purify us.  Who loves us enough to correct us so that he is reflected and beauty continues to arise and shine through all of his children.  

Grace In The Fire

 

9-25-20

 

Grace In The Fire

This morning I was reminded of when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego were cast into a fire for not conforming to the king’s standards and commands.  There is a whole different lesson here, but I want to focus on the fact of the choice God made and allowed to happen in this situation.  Instead of removing them from the fire, or removing the fire from them, He joined them in the fire.  There are probably several reasons for this account.  He was strengthening their character in difficult times.  He was using this to display his miraculous power.  He was also using it to show his grace and his presence with them through what could have been the most difficult circumstance they had endured in their life.  This is the concept that led me to further delve into God really trying to help me in the understanding of his grace.

Maybe we have not really been placed in the fire, but we have been forced to stand at the fire’s edge and face the fire.  We feel the heat.  We feel the resistance to step and turn away, or back far enough away to not feel its intense effects.  Maybe we feel like we are actually in a fire with no way out or in a place where we see the fire burning around us and we may feel trapped and wonder if we too, will be found in the fire.  There are truly so many ways or circumstances that can leave us feeling the burn or the heat of the fire. 

In Daniel 3 when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego were in the fire, they were found to not be found in the fire alone.  They were found to no longer being bound by evil intentions.  They were found to be free and walking around.  They were found to be accompanied by no other than God himself.  They knew the God they served.  They knew he was with them.  They knew of his power.  God didn’t remove the fire, or remove them from the fire, He joined them in the fire.  Think about this again, from a point of grace. 

Pausing to look more into the definition/s of grace from dictionary.com: 

noun

elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action:

a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment:

favor or goodwill.

a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior:

mercy; clemency; pardon:

favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.

an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied:

Theology.

the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

a virtue or excellence of divine origin:

Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.

moral strength:

verb (used with object), graced, grac·ing.

to lend or add grace to; adorn:

to favor or honor:

to grace an occasion with one's presence.

 

I want to pause and just think about how many but different ways we see grace in this fire encounter. 

1.           God saw the beauty of the situation
2.           God saw the beauty and favor of the three men and their obedience
3.           He favored them but also chose to join them
4.          He granted mercy, by freeing them and protecting them in the fire
5.           He displayed his unmerited love not only to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, but also to the king
6.           His presence and influence strengthened who the men were in him.  The fire experience took them to a higher level of God’s excellence in their life.  Excellence is not perfection but reaching an improvement of character and favor.
7.           His presence showed how much he adored, favored, and loved them.
8.           His presence, favor, and love not only was with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego but also with the king.  He showed mercy and favor that the king did not deserve.  There was no level or time to find a level of perfection in hopes to earn God’s favor.  It was used to bring him to acknowledgment and repentance.

After thinking about these thoughts, I was taken to a verse God has been keeping at the front of my mind, but this time to show me something different.  2 Corinthians 12:9 (familiar verse) says, Each time he said, “My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.”  I am quite sure, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego might have had weak knees.  They made a choice not to let their feelings and weakness of feelings to change what they chose to believe in who they knew God was.  God was making them stronger in the fire.  They had a confidence and gift of faith in the God they served.  They chose to face with boldness, courage, and strength.  They did not let fear, or doubt whether God would deliver them change their belief in the God, they served (no matter if it did possibly give them weak knees so to say).  God strengthened them in the fire to prepare them for their next assignment.  God’s grace was all they needed.  In probably trembling knees they waited on God.  He renewed their strength to a level of excellence.  They mounted up walking in and out of the fire freely and unburned or smoked.  (Isaiah 40:31).

I have recently been finding myself facing the edge of the fire while dealing with some health flare-ups/ relapses.  Wrestling with feeling defeated and discouraged while standing at the fire’s edge.  There have been days I was unable to do anything within my own strength.  I would see my day as being wasted and consumed by the smoke and fog in my brain.  There was nothing I could do in those moments to try to earn God’s grace or favor.  He says in Ephesians 2:8 God saved you by his grace when we believed (not felt).  And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.  My ability to accomplish things or have desired perfection in my thoughts could not and would not change how much God’s adored thoughts toward me.  On my worst days, he says look at my child with who I am very pleased with.  He was saying that in Matthew 3 about Jesus.  However, when we make the choice to become part of his family, we too are his children and he is very pleased with us.  On our days, when disappointment, discouragement, frustration, all set in He looks down and says how much favor and adoration he has for us.  It is in our weakest moments, that if we just pause and just choose to pick up our head with confidence we can see and receive mercy and grace in our struggles and fire.  The king could not help but see the confidence God gave Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego and he too received God’s mercy and grace.   Trust in the Lord.  Find your strength in him (even in the fire).  He is preparing you for your next assignment to excellence and soaring high like eagles with him.  He wants us to pick up our head and see him in the fire with us because his presence never leaves nor forsakes and abandons us. (Is 40:31)   He says I have all you need, and my favor, love, and adoration are upon you.  Be strong through the grace that God gives you in Christ Jesus. 2 Timothy 2:1

Joy In The JOurneY

 9-6-2020

God is so good!  I was able to do something today that I have not been able to do in several years.  I was able to walk the furthest I have walked.  I was able to go hiking with a friend.  Not one trail, but three!  I am not only proud of myself, but so proud of living out God’s healing and testimony in my life.  I am regaining my life in so many ways.  He took a mess and is writing a message.  He takes broken pieces and creates masterpieces.  I am one of those who get to live out a life of his redemption, love, and healing in so many areas of my life.  I am one of those that pain has a purpose and a promise for his plan.

I remember so clearly God telling me that he was going to healing me in layers.  How nice it would be for it to all come at once?  By him taking me through this layering process so much more has happened as a result.  Not only in physical healing, but heart, and emotional healing as well.  He says in Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper not to harm.  Plans to give you hope and a future.  We may not always see or understand God’s plan.  We may not even like it at times, but it is all necessary for the greater good of his plan for our life.

It was 6 months ago, I was still walking with a wheeled walker.  I remember being at a night of worship with some friends, as I said to my one friend, I want to walk so bad I can almost taste it.  She said let’s do it!  As she took my hands to steady me, walking backward as I took steps to walk forwards, I started in faith and prayer taking the first steps to claim healing in my ability to walk again.  There had been some bumps in the road, but I held onto the promise and never gave up, what I knew God set out and was doing in my life concerning this area.  A month ago, I could only reach around 2000 steps a day.  Two weeks ago, I managed to walk a little over 4000 steps.  Today, I went well over 8000 steps.  I am feeling it, but feeling it never felt so good.  It stirred things up, but faith and healing are not based on feelings, but clinging and be grateful for the promises of God. 

If I could offer one thing in a quote/s I like so well, and it is this.  I am not where I am going, but I am not where I was.  Rearview mirrors are only to view how far you have come, not windshields to view your past.  Your life and/ or your health may seem like nothing but shattered pieces, but God…  There is JOY in the JOurneY and you are in the middle.  You are not where you were, and you are not where you are going.  Stop.  Take in the beauty of the lessons and gifts he has for you along the way.  Don’t be afraid of those he may remove because he has someone better.  I have lost many friends and relationships, but I am even more grateful at the ones he has in my life now.  Flowers are not so beautiful when they get choked out by the weeds.  The weeding process may be painful, but it beautifies the garden God is growing through you.  Enjoy the journey and praise along the way.

Caught In The Web

9-2-2020

I have to admit this post is not coming easy to write and comes with much procrastination on my part.  It all started as my attention was drawn to a spider who has a web outside my window.  I found it interesting to watch how quickly the spider rushed to securely wrap its prey in the web.  It can be seen as the black dots on the picture.  I love to watch and see the intricate details of things in God's creation and what there may be to learn from such observations.  It seemed I was given this vision almost immediately that I found somewhat troubling.  I asked God what is it you are showing me and telling me.  If you ask him, don't be surprised by his answer whether you like it or not.  I admit I don't like this one, yet I am not surprised.  I think sometimes those hard things he shows us can easily take us in the wrong direction if we let it.  It has for me at least.  That is not part of his plan.  These things are meant to grow us, stretch us, force dependence on his truths, and find spiritual balance in our lives.

So back to the vision and the different key aspects he showed me concerning the spider and its web.  This may come as a harsh reality, but I want it to be a warning for my own heart and soul as well as for others who may need this.  

How many times do we really see spider webs without first noticing maybe the things that may be trapped in them, the dew resting on them, or eye captured glisten from the sun hitting it just right, or maybe from the spider itself?  The vision I saw was so many walking into the spider's web of deception by their view on other things around them.  Before they know, the spider scurries down the web from hiding to wrap them and bind them in the entanglement of lies and deception.  Unless someone steps up with the skills to save the spider's victim by tearing away the web of lies and demonic deception, they succumb to their own death.

In my asking God what all this was supposed to tell me, he gave me some very clear warnings and pictures of what is going on along with some verses he pointed me to.  

We are now living amongst the spiders.  We have watched the eggs hatch and more spread out around us.  We see the spiders but have become blinded to watch for some of their webs they are making before us.  God is calling for us to pull out his light of truth to illuminate the deceptive webs that will entangle us.  Isaiah 59 gives us a clear picture of what is before us.  In verses 5-6 it says 

They hatch deadly snakes and weave spiders’ webs. Whoever eats their eggs will die; whoever cracks them will hatch a viper. 

6 Their webs can’t be made into clothing, and nothing they do is productive. All their activity is filled with sin, and violence is their trademark. 

We see so much of this going on and sadly we are seeing it in the churches.  We are falling into the web of fear and lies and choosing to eat and partake of the dictated menu before us instead of the meat of truth of God's word.  The government has told churches and people to cower in fear and not look for the webs being placed in front of them that will capture their freedoms to worship and preach God's truths.  The government has made you a dinner it wants you to eat filled with mind-altering poison  One bite of their poisonous eggs that were eaten and we watched vipers and spiders being released at a rapid and destructive rate.  However, many are still choosing to be caught in the web of fear for the sake of the gospel.  Many are choosing to be caught in the web of deception and lies laid before us.  If we don't start picking up our flashlight of God's truths to illuminate the webs being made rapidly before us, we will be caught in the entanglement of their plan only to be eaten by the spider satan himself.  Many will be caught in this web who proclaim Christianity but will succumb to death of a mark from falling prey to a web of lies and deception.  Churches and Christians God is calling you to not get caught in these webs, but to go out with your light and sword and start standing in the truths of his word, cutting away the web of lies and deception entangling others with his love and truth to save others from the death trap of the spider's web.  

In Job 8:14 says What they trust in is fragile; what they rely on is a spider’s web.  What are we trusting?  What are we relying on?  Are we trusting the fragility of life and government?  Are we relying on the deceptive lies of the spider's web being set before us?  

Isaiah 22:2 says Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?

John 14:1 “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 56:11  In God I trust and am not afraid. What can man do to me?

If we say we trust in God, then what are we fearing and teaching others to fear?  I believe God is not saying all of this to just me, but to others as well.  It is time to learn to really learn to stand and exercise God's truths and stand up.  Time to turn on our flashlights and not fear worship and church nor put restrictions for worship and church assembling.  Webs ensnare and separate and it is time to take down the webs, stand in the truth, and spread the light and truth of eternal life, not death.