I have come to love silence. What once scared me and I seem to think I would never experience is now the part of life I find peace and pure enjoyment of the moments it offers.
There was a point in life when the voices of my past, present, and future would scream within my mind as they all seemed to be running wildly with no control or taming. The lies that had been told to me over many years that at one point I was good at stuffing had risen to the surface. I believed them so much I ended up participating in their game by adding lies of my own that I treated as truths. I spent countless energy living up to what others believed and said of me endlessly trying to live up to the expectations of others and the world all while looking for love and acceptance. This endless exhaustion of fighting the negative screaming inside my head and endless exhaustion of living to please others would eventually lead to a nervous breakdown, My past had bound me tightly with its chains of worthless destruction that I could not see the value that was underneath the weight of it all. I thought God had walked away so I had chosen to walk away. I thought he went back on his promises so why would I continue a path in a relationship with another promise breaker?
After the nervous breakdown and truly losing all of myself, I found myself in a position of the desperation of wanting to see if God and I could fit in each other's lives again. I wanted to find the God I wanted to know about, not the God who I thought I knew, but who I wanted to know. I wanted to find the God of acceptance, love, forgiveness, and freedom. I so clearly remember thinking it is coincidental the timing of Sheila W. book and study coming out called In The Middle Of The Mess. I was caught deep in the middle of my mess with nowhere to go or turn and all my efforts of trying to find myself and find my voice on my own only led to further destruction of myself. I had now reached a point of almost complete isolation except for my screaming racing thoughts. I desperately wanted it all to stop and life to end. Many times I would say what kind of life and promise is this? Is this called love? In those moments of learning how Sheila talked about reaching and learning complete honesty with God, I found myself learning to be real and brutally honest with a God that I was afraid of. I reached a point that all my honesty could get me was what I thought I so desperately wanted; a desperate end to life. That did not turn out to be the plan. The plan that I could not see at the time was to allow me to safely learn to dump and express myself in the most vulnerable ugly way I knew how and show me safety which would later show me, love. At one point in the process while driving in a really bad thunderstorm and watching lightning strike down and hit the road several hundred feet up in front of me, I slammed on my brakes, hitting my hands off the steering wheel, while putting my head further to the windshield looking up at the sky in complete anger and disgrace saying "Really, God, you missed!" Talk about ugly and brutal. The process was not a quick one by any means, as I still did not trust God. Matter of fact, I still struggle with trust. He knew where I was, he knew my heart was broken and shattered, he also knew he had a plan for my life. He knew I needed a place to express my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with love and not judgment. He knew I needed to find safety in learning to take baby steps to trust again.
As time would oh so slowly progress, he would begin to place the people he wanted in my life that I could have never done on my own. People who would either continue to walk through my mess (the very few lefts) and the people who would enter in the middle of the mess and speak life into me. Those who saw what I did not see. Those who had hope when I had no hope and would find ways to carry me or lift me up when I would fall or fall back.
Living with nightmares/ terrors, flashbacks, and debilitating fear left me desperate for healing as I slowly was reaching for hope. I would try in whatever little means I could form in my mind fight to find some type of help for myself. Those countless, raw brutal prayers of the desperation of please God do something show me something because your plan is just not fair right now would not always be the answers I was looking for but small cracks of opportunity to continue putting one step forward at a time. When I had no mind left to do simple tasks, he would hear my prayer and one small step at a time would calmly give me a thought or guide me one step at a time. It was no longer still just for 5 minutes but one small thing at a time, one thing of thanks at a time (sometimes just washing a coffee pot) to keep me moving forward towards finding hope in what seemed to be a hopeless time of life. As those little things would grow and the direction to helping myself would grow, I slowly started coming around and finding breaks of small moments of being okay. While experiencing those breaks of feeling okay, I would experience many fears and negative feelings with them as well. I truly had to begin to learn to accept it was okay to not be okay and okay was safe and good as well. I had to learn to accept and love my okays and not okays. A beginning process of learning to change and renew my thoughts and mind. Making choices to not wanting to be consumed by the lies of not living up or being good enough. All I had to do at the time was be good enough for one small task and one positive thought at a time. Much harder than it sounds for a person who was stuck in a cycle of self negative destruction from traumas of the past.
One small prayer at a time would eventually lead to opportunities while watching things online on trauma, deliverance, etc. I was still under the mindset I had to work my way to meeting God halfway in order for him to accept me fully. But in this process, that small quiet yet at times loud prayers of slow my racing mind and silence the negative screaming voices in my head would be just the small steps needed for me to gain small steps of trust. So much of what I didn't see at the time, I can now look back and see now. Truly from a God of love and acceptance for each beautiful broken shattered piece of my life.
I clearly remember a couple months ago around the beginning of March watching an online message by Kevin Riordan on Breaking Trauma I will try to watch it if I can stay connected to wifi. Totally a God thing as I rarely ever manage to watch something beginning to end. He got to the end of his message and then began to lead everyone in prayer. Once again I told myself I will go along with the prayers. What do I have to lose to just participate, but nothing will happen. I haven't made it far enough for God to meet me where I am on this journey. Let's just say God has a sense of humor and had other plans. Right there sitting on my bed, I found myself completely broken before God in a completely different way. That night I started experiencing deliverance and healing from trauma and a broken heart. I wasn't quite sure what all was taking place as there was so much I experienced over several hours. That was the night the nightmares/ terrors would end. Not even a week later, God would once again meet me in another real way I would totally not expect to bring another level of healing to a wounded shattered heart. I would be touched by his presence twice in a powerful way that brought about two visions. One vision was laying in a white cloud with gray shadows. I would come to realize the connection was being pillowed by the soft comfort and love of the father and my shame and shadows were being absorbed and pulled from within me and would no longer define my shame. The second encounter and vision was seeing a bright soft orange glowing light that would later form a soft red fuzzy heart cloud that would allow me to understand a glimpse of radiance and a love that was not cookie cutter defined but full of soft love, and not something sharp and harsh that I had come to know.
As I sat last night, in the much-appreciated silence while spending time in my Journaling Bible I was reflecting on the many miracles and healing that has been taking place in my life recently. I have hit some difficult times and spots feeling as if I lost myself and my salvation but coming back around despite how I was feeling and the circumstances that were lies trying to define me, I was still loved and cared for by a God who loves me and cares for my hurts and feelings. As I watched the impossible with my dog become a miracle that would transform before my eyes and needs are met in ways I could never fathom or expect let alone do on my own, all because he cares about so many small details and uses those details to show glimpses of his love for me. To be reunited with my dog after two years and be greeted as if I was never forgotten and it was just 5 minutes ago and be loved so unconditionally and give back as if time was never remembered showed me an aspect of unconditional love that does not put time requirements and restrictions in place for definition of love. The miracle of life and healing even in his creation and gifts of our beloved pets. How much more does he love me and the details of my life I have not yet realize matter so much to him to save my life from an untimely death, just like he helped me save my dog's life from an untimely death.
As I continue to grow in this process I am learning to step out and do things, face things I would have never thought I would be able to face. Yes scary, but empowering to be given strength and courage to face my fears and challenge the lies and thoughts that would try to continue to debilitate me. Truly a renewing of my mind in the process.
As I spent some time in Philippians last night I was empowered by the words of Paul when he says "Focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead...Hold onto to the progress we have already made." I can leave the past of abuse (others and self), trauma, etc behind. It no longer defines who I am. I can hold on to the progress with how far I have come in my freedom and healing. The process of finding beautiful in broken. The words spoken in Joel 2:25 "I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army which I sent you." are truly being played out as I watch in awe the things that I thought were of value to be taken and replaced with something so much greater. The things I once thought were lost coming back in miraculous ways with such a greater appreciation because of broken and shattered being beautiful. While brokenness beyond myself was once thought of as deaths cry for desperation, is becoming something beautiful. It was necessary in order to change all the once was, and begin to learn the "I am beginning a new thing" as beautiful. No shame no regrets, just valuable lessons that now offer appreciation to learning to experience love, forgiveness, and acceptance that I would have never known otherwise.
I realize my transparency and journey has not been seen as beautiful, but beauty is not always found without digging and persevering through the dark and dirty parts of life. The mining of diamonds in the coal, the mining of gold from the muddy ground, the breaking and cracking of clams to find the priceless pearls. It takes work to find beauty in what needs to become broken first. I have no idea about the purpose of my pain and transparency, but I am finding the purpose of no longer hiding running and trying to hide from shame in the wrong direction. I don't know who my story maybe for one day, but I do know my story is not over and has given me a beautiful story of love and redemption for myself by a God who loves me just as I am who saw that my time here was not finished and has a greater purpose beyond what I may try to want to plan but that he is planning for me.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Monday, April 15, 2019
Jesus Loves YOU!
Jesus Loves YOU!
My heart became heavy as tears welled up in my eyes and a
weight from the pit of my stomach consumed me from a beginning understanding of
love. The words that Kevin Riordon
spoke from across the table at an Alpha Bible study kept coming back speaking to
me. Jesus Loves You. Jesus Loves You. Jesus Loves YOU! I struggled to hear these words several weeks
ago on March 21, especially coming from a male figure. I was there but not there, as I fought so
hard with being vulnerable yet protecting my heart and myself. I quickly refused prayer as my thoughts and
belief I had come to form is that I don’t have enough right or in order for God
to do something or meet me where I am instead of me meeting him halfway. Those words never left me, as I still tried
to grasp the level of this concept. Yes, I knew Jesus loved me, but I came to believe Jesus loved me with conditions
because of the lies that I formed and accepted from my past. Honestly, if Jesus is a male figure I was
not sure how much I wanted to let Jesus love me. To me, that represented a level of hurt and
trust I did not want to deal with.
As the words continued resonating and speaking audibly in my
mind, I tried to go about preparing myself for the day by heading to the
shower. There is something about the
shower for me that has become a place of releasing grief, tears, and
emotions. Today was different in that I
was hit by seeing my past hurts from others as brokenness. Those that have hurt and that I have hurt are
all broken in some way. I became
consumed as a picture of Jesus looking down from the cross in anguish noticing
the broken pieces of each life and saying “See that piece? Look at the beauty that still remains in its
brokenness. I hang here for each piece
represented.” As I wept, the picture
and revelation continued, as I saw him cry out to his father, saying “why have
you forsaken me?” The revelation became
real as I saw how he took what was perfect and allowed it to become broken and
scarred. God could not take the anguish of
watching brokenness of his son unfold for a fallen broken world. He knew that in order to write the story of
redemption and love, he had to allow brokenness and loss to happen to his
perfect gift. A gift, which up until the
cross, carried no scars.
As I kept reflecting the weight of my own brokenness and how
he allowed me to become so broken, unknown, and completely losing myself and
others. He knew the greater purpose
would one day unfold a different understanding of love, forgiveness, and
redemption. As he pointed out those
pieces from the cross I could see and hear in the tears, “see that broken
beautiful piece?”, “I am here”. I wept
at the concept that in all of my brokenness, anger, craziness, etc. that he
allowed in order to do something new he anguished for me in love. He saw all my broken pieces and the broken
pieces of others while he hung on the cross alone (and without his father) for
me.
In the past week, I had started praying; let me begin to see
glimpses of your love and forgiveness. I
did not expect to become pain-free for several hours just to become attacked
with pain in different ways I did not expect.
But he knew if I remained pain-free, I would become busy. So in the pain and misery, I chose not to
forget what I saw him doing, even though I was questioning my debilitating
level of pain and headaches. It forced
me to slow down and further learn to Be Still and Rest in him. As I did that and over the past couple days,
just merely asking to become more aware of my thoughts as I want to learn not
to carry the pain of my past to the future.
I kept asking let me continue to see glimpses of you and your love in my
life.
In all honesty, I am not quite sure I was ready for the gut
wrenching sickness and emotions that would
almost brought me to my knees as I gripped the shower wall with my head
between my hands consumed by the words, Jesus Loves YOU!
Looking at my own brokenness and understanding another level
of beautifully broken, I wondered to myself how many opportunities of showing and
expressing love is missed because of brokenness. When do we (I certainly don’t) tell others they
are loved and accepted for their brokenness?
Do we let others know they are beautiful? We are all Beautifully Broken pieces lying at
the foot of a cross that now represents scars of love and redemption. Beautifully Broken scars. Scars that now write a different story of
unconditional love and sacrifice.
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Be Still
3-31-19
Be Still (Let Go), trust and know that I am God. Give up the control, and the striving that is not yours. Rest in my unseen greater purpose for your life. What was intended for harm and destruction, I have intended for good. Beauty is first started in the most pressing, dirtiest, and darkest of places. Those conditions are necessary for the real beauty that will break through that is yet unseen. So “Be Still” and know beauty is beginning in what is yet unseen.
Be Still (Let Go), trust and know that I am God. Give up the control, and the striving that is not yours. Rest in my unseen greater purpose for your life. What was intended for harm and destruction, I have intended for good. Beauty is first started in the most pressing, dirtiest, and darkest of places. Those conditions are necessary for the real beauty that will break through that is yet unseen. So “Be Still” and know beauty is beginning in what is yet unseen.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Elijah Quit
3-12-19
Lately, as I continue to search for meaning and more pieces of a lost self as well as a lost faith, I have been finding myself connected to stories from the Bible through books, devotionals, and articles. I have found a sense of safety in using devotionals, books, and articles rather than the Bible. I have learned that is okay and God can reveal and speak through different means for different needs. It is an open transparent heart that he seeks and desires. He may know our struggles and disappointments but he wants us to share that openly with him as an act of confession.
I have been learning through the different things I have been reading of the stories in the Bible of those who struggled and at times even wanting to give up. One of the latest examples I read was of the story of Elijah. I relate so much to hearing God's instruction to do something, just to lose it all and have to flee searching for a place of hiding. He reached the point in his open honest transparency of basically telling God he quit, begging for his life to be taken. How many times I have found myself expressing those same words to God. "God, you told me you had a better plan and freedom for my life to bring me to a place of destitute, loss, and failure?" "You claim you have great plans for my life, but the weight of my grief and failures consume me." Yes, those real, raw, honest, transparent questions and statements to God of confusion and utter exhaustion.
What I found interesting and such a connection to was that Elijah wandered (almost as if he was dragging his feet at one point) for 40 days for what should have taken 14 days. He knew where he wanted to go to find God on the Holy mountain where Moses found God but took a long time to get there. I honestly believe there is significance in this. I believe the wandering and the length of time he took to travel to for God to find him hidden in the cave is significant. I cannot help but wonder if this was part of the grief process he needed. Was this part of the necessary questioning and wrestling that was necessary as if to come to the end of himself and maybe even his faith.
As he journeyed and with great exhaustion, he was found sleeping and de-plenished of physical needs. The story goes on to say he was greeted by an angel (could it have been another example of a Good Samaritan in a spiritual form?) waking him to offer him fresh warm bread and water. I sure would have welcomed the smell of freshly baked warm bread as I was awoken from a deep sleep. He filled himself and went back to sleep. As I pondered this thought part of the story I could not help but wonder if he was not only still exhausted physically but emotionally and sleeping extra for the sake of a weary heavy heart filled with depression at this point.
As he was found sleeping he was awoken with the offering of warm bread and water. An act of love and acceptance for the state and condition he was in. He was not lectured, reprimanded, or questioned for the state of his physical body, his mind, or his heart. He was not rejected for his lamenting but accepted and gifted for what he would need for replenishment. Never once was he told you are dealing with your struggle or emotions incorrectly. He was later once again awoken but this time by not just an angel but an angel of the Lord that the writer in the book I am reading explained was of the second of the Godhead. He was encouraged to eat and drink again for the strength needed for his journey ahead. I am sure as he continued that journey to find God in a secret place he did a lot of thinking, questioning, and transparency of his disappointments. When he finally made it, he found a cave to find shelter and rest in. A cave to hide from the weight of the world and the life he traveled to leave behind. Again, he wasn't condemned for his hiding. He was simply asked by God why was he there. Elijah probably still had junk in his trunk that he carried to the cave with him. There is safeness of wanting to unload and be more real and transparent when we are in a secret hiding place. As I am learning, God is found in the deep dark cold caves where safety is found to unload what we may find trouble expressing otherwise. It was once he fully unloaded the junk of disappointments and questions God called him out. He knew the safety and nonjudgement Elijah needed to unload. He still allowed the earth around Elijah to be rocked and shook to its core. He didn't tell Elijah what to do, he as questions to allow Elijah to see his own heart so that God could come to the point of revealing his plan and purpose to which he still called him to do.
As I come across these stories and examples, I am reminded of how the questions, the wrestling, the depression, and lamenting, were part of the examples and lessons needed to be learned. So often times I am seeing that many things are learned and revealed when we are forced to go through the difficult times of being forced to be real, raw, and honest with our hard questions of life. Oh, that I may one day learn to count it all joy for the lessons and hard questions I learn to ask in the most difficult circumstances of life.
Lately, as I continue to search for meaning and more pieces of a lost self as well as a lost faith, I have been finding myself connected to stories from the Bible through books, devotionals, and articles. I have found a sense of safety in using devotionals, books, and articles rather than the Bible. I have learned that is okay and God can reveal and speak through different means for different needs. It is an open transparent heart that he seeks and desires. He may know our struggles and disappointments but he wants us to share that openly with him as an act of confession.
I have been learning through the different things I have been reading of the stories in the Bible of those who struggled and at times even wanting to give up. One of the latest examples I read was of the story of Elijah. I relate so much to hearing God's instruction to do something, just to lose it all and have to flee searching for a place of hiding. He reached the point in his open honest transparency of basically telling God he quit, begging for his life to be taken. How many times I have found myself expressing those same words to God. "God, you told me you had a better plan and freedom for my life to bring me to a place of destitute, loss, and failure?" "You claim you have great plans for my life, but the weight of my grief and failures consume me." Yes, those real, raw, honest, transparent questions and statements to God of confusion and utter exhaustion.
What I found interesting and such a connection to was that Elijah wandered (almost as if he was dragging his feet at one point) for 40 days for what should have taken 14 days. He knew where he wanted to go to find God on the Holy mountain where Moses found God but took a long time to get there. I honestly believe there is significance in this. I believe the wandering and the length of time he took to travel to for God to find him hidden in the cave is significant. I cannot help but wonder if this was part of the grief process he needed. Was this part of the necessary questioning and wrestling that was necessary as if to come to the end of himself and maybe even his faith.
As he journeyed and with great exhaustion, he was found sleeping and de-plenished of physical needs. The story goes on to say he was greeted by an angel (could it have been another example of a Good Samaritan in a spiritual form?) waking him to offer him fresh warm bread and water. I sure would have welcomed the smell of freshly baked warm bread as I was awoken from a deep sleep. He filled himself and went back to sleep. As I pondered this thought part of the story I could not help but wonder if he was not only still exhausted physically but emotionally and sleeping extra for the sake of a weary heavy heart filled with depression at this point.
As he was found sleeping he was awoken with the offering of warm bread and water. An act of love and acceptance for the state and condition he was in. He was not lectured, reprimanded, or questioned for the state of his physical body, his mind, or his heart. He was not rejected for his lamenting but accepted and gifted for what he would need for replenishment. Never once was he told you are dealing with your struggle or emotions incorrectly. He was later once again awoken but this time by not just an angel but an angel of the Lord that the writer in the book I am reading explained was of the second of the Godhead. He was encouraged to eat and drink again for the strength needed for his journey ahead. I am sure as he continued that journey to find God in a secret place he did a lot of thinking, questioning, and transparency of his disappointments. When he finally made it, he found a cave to find shelter and rest in. A cave to hide from the weight of the world and the life he traveled to leave behind. Again, he wasn't condemned for his hiding. He was simply asked by God why was he there. Elijah probably still had junk in his trunk that he carried to the cave with him. There is safeness of wanting to unload and be more real and transparent when we are in a secret hiding place. As I am learning, God is found in the deep dark cold caves where safety is found to unload what we may find trouble expressing otherwise. It was once he fully unloaded the junk of disappointments and questions God called him out. He knew the safety and nonjudgement Elijah needed to unload. He still allowed the earth around Elijah to be rocked and shook to its core. He didn't tell Elijah what to do, he as questions to allow Elijah to see his own heart so that God could come to the point of revealing his plan and purpose to which he still called him to do.
As I come across these stories and examples, I am reminded of how the questions, the wrestling, the depression, and lamenting, were part of the examples and lessons needed to be learned. So often times I am seeing that many things are learned and revealed when we are forced to go through the difficult times of being forced to be real, raw, and honest with our hard questions of life. Oh, that I may one day learn to count it all joy for the lessons and hard questions I learn to ask in the most difficult circumstances of life.
Monday, December 17, 2018
”Churches”
12-16-18
It’s Sunday and churches (building) open their doors. Most put on smiles they will only offer in those walls. What would the concept really look like if churches became the church (people) the Bible talked about? What would it look like if we were not afraid to visit a “stable” to watch a gift God wants to unfold before our eyes? Are we afraid to see and accept the brokenness outside of the “typical” obligations of a building? Are we afraid to show up in the unpopular places? Church should be more than just getting someone to walk through the doors on a Sunday morning. What humble gift of ourselves can we bring to the hearts of the broken?
It’s Sunday and churches (building) open their doors. Most put on smiles they will only offer in those walls. What would the concept really look like if churches became the church (people) the Bible talked about? What would it look like if we were not afraid to visit a “stable” to watch a gift God wants to unfold before our eyes? Are we afraid to see and accept the brokenness outside of the “typical” obligations of a building? Are we afraid to show up in the unpopular places? Church should be more than just getting someone to walk through the doors on a Sunday morning. What humble gift of ourselves can we bring to the hearts of the broken?
Friday, December 7, 2018
Empathetic Revelation In Suffering
Empathetic Revelation in Suffering
12-6-18
A quote in Sheila Walsh’s book In The Middle Of The Mess “Humility is a heart thing. It’s allowing yourself to be loved as you are and extending that grace to others”. That quote stirred some deep thoughts most of which I shared over coffee with a friend today. To be humble enough to accept love as we are no matter what state of mind or condition and to pass that same type of love we should receive onto others with grace and no expectations. To only love and not have the ability to accept love is a different type of pride reversal. Those thoughts really struck me as I often reflect over not only the past few years but many years of my life.
I believe somewhere in the beginning of this particular conversation I had made mention of my distaste for the word “Christian” and the unfair expectations it holds and how that is even often reflected to rules and standards in which many churches want “Christians” to follow or live up to. The meaning of “Christian” is to be a follower of Christ. It is to be one who follows with the purpose of seeking and gaining a personal relationship with the Christ they follow. It’s not about following church or a religion or a book of laws. This led on to the how Jesus talked about The Great Commandment in
Matthew 22:37-40 New International Version (NIV)
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
He was talking about our lives were not to be wrapped up in “abiding by all the laws”. He knew and recognized the great need for showing grace, releasing them from their lives of perfectionism. He simply told them to summarize the Ten Commandments or the Laws of Moses into two simple principles. Love your God…this mere thought is simple. When you learn to develop your relationship with God you desire to seek him, please him, and love him. This growing relationship develops the character he wants to build within you. It’s not based on laws, but the mere desire to please, to love the one with whom you are building the relationship with. The second part of this commandment says to Love your neighbor as yourself. When we learn about loving God and learning what that love begins to look like back, beginning to grab onto the idea of loving ourselves, we begin to see in this relationship his love for us. How in building a deep meaningful relationship that is based on unconditional love could we not begin to see and love ourselves as he does? If we seek to grow and find a love for him, begin to accept that love back, we are then able to learn to pass that love on to “our neighbor”.
This conversation continued on to the Parable of the Good Samaritan. I think often times as “Christians” or “Christ Followers” or whatever “title” you want to assign yourself we completely miss these two very basic key principles and what that is supposed to look like. Jesus explained the definition of loving thy neighbor in this Parable in
Luke 10:25-37 New International Version (NIV)
The Parable of the Good Samaritan
25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]”
28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”
Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”
This man who was robbed and stripped of EVERYTHING he had laid dying. He was robbed of his money, his belongings, his dignity, and we really don’t know what other emotional baggage he was left of from the things he was robbed of. Not only was he robbed, but he was rejected and abandoned. He was left dying and to continue that process alone. He most likely was not a picture anyone would want to see or remember. Those wounds would leave scars that would write a story all of their own. A Story of trauma, abandonment, rejection, and a knock on death’s door as he laid alone in his pain and suffering with oozing dirty wounds and most likely a body shivering and cold from a state of shock. Both the Priest and the Levite went out of their way to walk on the opposite side of the road to avoid the battered dying man. They lacked humility and love (the Great Commandment to love). The Good Samaritan came along and took notice of the dying man; who was left with no dignity and in his moments of near death of being helpless, is now left with more than physical wounds, but emotional wounds as well. The Samaritan took pity on him, it says in Matthew. He didn’t focus on the wounds and brokenness left before him as the man lay dying. With humility, he loved him; he probably found a way to clothe him after cleaning his wounds. I can almost imagine him talking to him while he poured the wine and oil on them. He knew the man was in pain, and now in order to take steps to care for him and love him, he would have to inflict more pain in cleaning his wounds. I can picture him speaking softly and kindly through the man cries (whatever was left) the additional pain he had to inflict, but those reminders of he was going to see him through; those words that he would be okay. The Good Samaritan did not ask the wounded to act or behave a certain way. He just loved him, broken and stripped in the Middle of his Mess with humility, just the way he was. He simply lived the second part of the Great Commandment out of Loving His Neighbor.
The parable says after he was done caring for his wounds, he lifted him (dead weight and all) onto his donkey to find his way to the nearest town. This now meant he sacrificed his ride to walk the journey with the beaten dying man. He continued to see him through the night and care for him. Before he paused to finish his travels for his original purpose, he chose to not make sure the man would be abandoned a second time, but that he would be cared for until he could return to continue to care for him himself. The fact he made the choice shows he recognized there were going to be ongoing needs this man would have. He recognized not only the physical needs but the emotional needs as well.
With all these thoughts, I wonder how many of us and how many churches, “Christ Followers”, or “Christians” are able to see brokenness as beautiful. How often are we able to live out this commandment of “Loving thy Neighbor” with humility; their brokenness and their wounds whatever that may be. Are we able to give them the time (with no limit) needed to heal, to grieve the effects of their pain both physical and emotional? Are we able to forget the sight before our eyes and see the worth in each broken piece of another’s life? What would a different view of healing look like for the broken if these concepts were true? Brokenness not only hurts the broken but can also hurt the Samaritan. When things are broken, including lives, it leaves harsh sharp edges and words that cry out waiting for each piece to one day be smoothed and used to create a different picture and different story. Each piece among the lines carved by scars hold worth and value and writes their own story. Each broken piece needing love and respect of what remains.
The broken need commitment, love, and acceptance with humility. They certainly don’t need rejection by the priest and the Levite. They don’t need more dirt or non-healing acidic agents poured on their already open oozing wounds. What difference or impact could we really begin to make if we would be willing to love sharp broken pieces as beautiful and speak life and breath back into each sharp piece that we help to pick up and hold while the story gets rewritten?
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Not the Same
3-18-18
Some days grief takes a front row seat to the changes and losses we have experienced. I am learning that sometimes it is necessary just to allow this process and give it time to be thought and felt through. I am not the same person who was born in June of 1971. The person who graduated high school in 1990. The person who unwillingly sacrificed her career dream, to life circumstances. The same person who went through traumatic life experiences and sexual assaults. The same person who thought in her heart, God led her to the right person for her to spend her life with, but was blinded and lied to through the deception of Satan himself. The same person who bore and loved three beautiful children the best she knew how. The same person who grew weary in her efforts of trying to love a marriage that was destroying her from the inside out. The same person who merely wanted a break to figure out life and get back on track. The same person who merely sought hard after love and respect that could not be given. The same person who in the process lost herself and lost her identity she seeks desperately to find. The same person who's insecurity exuded confidence that she never really had that became exposed to greater vulnerability because pain won. The same person who fights the nightmares and terrors frequently and anxiety daily. The same person who sits confused by all that has happened and questions so often and frequently what all went wrong. The same person who a year ago, scared as she was thought she would be able to continue finding strength to do what needs to be done. The same person who a year ago, was trying to figure out how to just hold her head up. The same person who a year ago tried to still maintain and seek a relationship with God that now found a different path. The same person who a year later has lost everything, but gained back her daughter. The same person who learned a lot about the "Christian" faith and it's people. The same person who realized quickly churches were never meant for hurting people like the cliché that is often spoken. The same person who came to realize faith has little to do with meaningful relationships and support networks. The same person who is learning to come to terms with the true brutality of life. The same person who is beginning to see the blessings of learning, with much hesitation, and appreciate the new people that walk into my life, while I watch and continue to let go of others. The same person who finds her strength and purpose through the eyes of her daughter who chooses to do her best to always wear a smile on her face and give life the attitude of make the best of what it has to offer. The girl who has and wants to give so much despite the struggles she continually deals with. The girl who loves people and loves life. The girl who has shown and taught me so much be just being who she is and is meant to be, the beautiful individual she is.
The same person who in all these life marking events, became someone different today than she was yesterday. Realizing change happens daily and we can/ are always revolving into someone else. The same person, who though different, realizes she will continue to become different, because that is what happens in the greater scheme of life. I am not who I was yesterday, nor will I be the same person tomorrow. Who was I? I am not really sure. Who am I? I am not really sure of that either. Who will I become? I don't know that either, but I hope in time that it will only be someone much better than the person pouring her thoughts here today.
Some days grief takes a front row seat to the changes and losses we have experienced. I am learning that sometimes it is necessary just to allow this process and give it time to be thought and felt through. I am not the same person who was born in June of 1971. The person who graduated high school in 1990. The person who unwillingly sacrificed her career dream, to life circumstances. The same person who went through traumatic life experiences and sexual assaults. The same person who thought in her heart, God led her to the right person for her to spend her life with, but was blinded and lied to through the deception of Satan himself. The same person who bore and loved three beautiful children the best she knew how. The same person who grew weary in her efforts of trying to love a marriage that was destroying her from the inside out. The same person who merely wanted a break to figure out life and get back on track. The same person who merely sought hard after love and respect that could not be given. The same person who in the process lost herself and lost her identity she seeks desperately to find. The same person who's insecurity exuded confidence that she never really had that became exposed to greater vulnerability because pain won. The same person who fights the nightmares and terrors frequently and anxiety daily. The same person who sits confused by all that has happened and questions so often and frequently what all went wrong. The same person who a year ago, scared as she was thought she would be able to continue finding strength to do what needs to be done. The same person who a year ago, was trying to figure out how to just hold her head up. The same person who a year ago tried to still maintain and seek a relationship with God that now found a different path. The same person who a year later has lost everything, but gained back her daughter. The same person who learned a lot about the "Christian" faith and it's people. The same person who realized quickly churches were never meant for hurting people like the cliché that is often spoken. The same person who came to realize faith has little to do with meaningful relationships and support networks. The same person who is learning to come to terms with the true brutality of life. The same person who is beginning to see the blessings of learning, with much hesitation, and appreciate the new people that walk into my life, while I watch and continue to let go of others. The same person who finds her strength and purpose through the eyes of her daughter who chooses to do her best to always wear a smile on her face and give life the attitude of make the best of what it has to offer. The girl who has and wants to give so much despite the struggles she continually deals with. The girl who loves people and loves life. The girl who has shown and taught me so much be just being who she is and is meant to be, the beautiful individual she is.
The same person who in all these life marking events, became someone different today than she was yesterday. Realizing change happens daily and we can/ are always revolving into someone else. The same person, who though different, realizes she will continue to become different, because that is what happens in the greater scheme of life. I am not who I was yesterday, nor will I be the same person tomorrow. Who was I? I am not really sure. Who am I? I am not really sure of that either. Who will I become? I don't know that either, but I hope in time that it will only be someone much better than the person pouring her thoughts here today.
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