Jesus Loves YOU!

Jesus Loves YOU!

My heart became heavy as tears welled up in my eyes and a weight from the pit of my stomach consumed me from a beginning understanding of love.    The words that Kevin Riordon spoke from across the table at an Alpha Bible study kept coming back speaking to me.  Jesus Loves You.  Jesus Loves You.  Jesus Loves YOU!  I struggled to hear these words several weeks ago on March 21, especially coming from a male figure.  I was there but not there, as I fought so hard with being vulnerable yet protecting my heart and myself.  I quickly refused prayer as my thoughts and belief I had come to form is that I don’t have enough right or in order for God to do something or meet me where I am instead of me meeting him halfway.  Those words never left me, as I still tried to grasp the level of this concept.  Yes, I knew Jesus loved me, but I came to believe Jesus loved me with conditions because of the lies that I formed and accepted from my past.  Honestly, if Jesus is a male figure I was not sure how much I wanted to let Jesus love me.  To me, that represented a level of hurt and trust I did not want to deal with.

As the words continued resonating and speaking audibly in my mind, I tried to go about preparing myself for the day by heading to the shower.  There is something about the shower for me that has become a place of releasing grief, tears, and emotions.  Today was different in that I was hit by seeing my past hurts from others as brokenness.  Those that have hurt and that I have hurt are all broken in some way.  I became consumed as a picture of Jesus looking down from the cross in anguish noticing the broken pieces of each life and saying “See that piece?  Look at the beauty that still remains in its brokenness.  I hang here for each piece represented.”   As I wept, the picture and revelation continued, as I saw him cry out to his father, saying “why have you forsaken me?”   The revelation became real as I saw how he took what was perfect and allowed it to become broken and scarred.  God could not take the anguish of watching brokenness of his son unfold for a fallen broken world.  He knew that in order to write the story of redemption and love, he had to allow brokenness and loss to happen to his perfect gift.  A gift, which up until the cross, carried no scars.

As I kept reflecting the weight of my own brokenness and how he allowed me to become so broken, unknown, and completely losing myself and others.  He knew the greater purpose would one day unfold a different understanding of love, forgiveness, and redemption.  As he pointed out those pieces from the cross I could see and hear in the tears, “see that broken beautiful piece?”, “I am here”.   I wept at the concept that in all of my brokenness, anger, craziness, etc. that he allowed in order to do something new he anguished for me in love.  He saw all my broken pieces and the broken pieces of others while he hung on the cross alone (and without his father) for me. 

In the past week, I had started praying; let me begin to see glimpses of your love and forgiveness.  I did not expect to become pain-free for several hours just to become attacked with pain in different ways I did not expect.  But he knew if I remained pain-free, I would become busy.  So in the pain and misery, I chose not to forget what I saw him doing, even though I was questioning my debilitating level of pain and headaches.  It forced me to slow down and further learn to Be Still and Rest in him.  As I did that and over the past couple days, just merely asking to become more aware of my thoughts as I want to learn not to carry the pain of my past to the future.  I kept asking let me continue to see glimpses of you and your love in my life. 

In all honesty, I am not quite sure I was ready for the gut wrenching sickness and emotions that would  almost brought me to my knees as I gripped the shower wall with my head between my hands consumed by the words, Jesus Loves YOU!

Looking at my own brokenness and understanding another level of beautifully broken, I wondered to myself how many opportunities of showing and expressing love is missed because of brokenness.  When do we (I certainly don’t) tell others they are loved and accepted for their brokenness?  Do we let others know they are beautiful?  We are all Beautifully Broken pieces lying at the foot of a cross that now represents scars of love and redemption.  Beautifully Broken scars.  Scars that now write a different story of unconditional love and sacrifice.

Be Still

3-31-19

Be Still (Let Go), trust and know that I am God.  Give up the control, and the striving that is not yours.  Rest in my unseen greater purpose for your life.  What was intended for harm and destruction, I have intended for good.  Beauty is first started in the most pressing, dirtiest, and darkest of places.  Those conditions are necessary for the real beauty that will break through that is yet unseen.  So “Be Still” and know beauty is beginning in what is yet unseen.

Elijah Quit

3-12-19

Lately, as I continue to search for meaning and more pieces of a lost self as well as a lost faith, I have been finding myself connected to stories from the Bible through books, devotionals, and articles.  I have found a sense of safety in using devotionals, books, and articles rather than the Bible.  I have learned that is okay and God can reveal and speak through different means for different needs.  It is an open transparent heart that he seeks and desires.  He may know our struggles and disappointments but he wants us to share that openly with him as an act of confession.

I have been learning through the different things I have been reading of the stories in the Bible of those who struggled and at times even wanting to give up.  One of the latest examples I read was of the story of Elijah.  I relate so much to hearing God's instruction to do something, just to lose it all and have to flee searching for a place of hiding.  He reached the point in his open honest transparency of basically telling God he quit, begging for his life to be taken.  How many times I have found myself expressing those same words to God.  "God, you told me you had a better plan and freedom for my life to bring me to a place of destitute, loss, and failure?"  "You claim you have great plans for my life, but the weight of my grief and failures consume me."  Yes, those real, raw, honest, transparent questions and statements to God of confusion and utter exhaustion.

What I found interesting and such a connection to was that Elijah wandered (almost as if he was dragging his feet at one point) for 40 days for what should have taken 14 days.  He knew where he wanted to go to find God on the Holy mountain where Moses found God but took a long time to get there.  I honestly believe there is significance in this.  I believe the wandering and the length of time he took to travel to for God to find him hidden in the cave is significant.  I cannot help but wonder if this was part of the grief process he needed.  Was this part of the necessary questioning and wrestling that was necessary as if to come to the end of himself and maybe even his faith.

As he journeyed and with great exhaustion, he was found sleeping and de-plenished of physical needs.  The story goes on to say he was greeted by an angel (could it have been another example of a Good Samaritan in a spiritual form?) waking him to offer him fresh warm bread and water.  I sure would have welcomed the smell of freshly baked warm bread as I was awoken from a deep sleep.  He filled himself and went back to sleep.  As I pondered this thought part of the story I could not help but wonder if he was not only still exhausted physically but emotionally and sleeping extra for the sake of a weary heavy heart filled with depression at this point.

As he was found sleeping he was awoken with the offering of warm bread and water.  An act of love and acceptance for the state and condition he was in.  He was not lectured, reprimanded, or questioned for the state of his physical body, his mind, or his heart.  He was not rejected for his lamenting but accepted and gifted for what he would need for replenishment.  Never once was he told you are dealing with your struggle or emotions incorrectly.  He was later once again awoken but this time by not just an angel but an angel of the Lord that the writer in the book I am reading explained was of the second of the Godhead.  He was encouraged to eat and drink again for the strength needed for his journey ahead.  I am sure as he continued that journey to find God in a secret place he did a lot of thinking, questioning, and transparency of his disappointments.  When he finally made it, he found a cave to find shelter and rest in.  A cave to hide from the weight of the world and the life he traveled to leave behind.  Again, he wasn't condemned for his hiding.  He was simply asked by God why was he there.  Elijah probably still had junk in his trunk that he carried to the cave with him.  There is safeness of wanting to unload and be more real and transparent when we are in a secret hiding place.  As I am learning, God is found in the deep dark cold caves where safety is found to unload what we may find trouble expressing otherwise.  It was once he fully unloaded the junk of disappointments and questions God called him out.  He knew the safety and nonjudgement Elijah needed to unload.  He still allowed the earth around Elijah to be rocked and shook to its core.  He didn't tell Elijah what to do, he as questions to allow Elijah to see his own heart so that God could come to the point of revealing his plan and purpose to which he still called him to do. 

As I come across these stories and examples, I am reminded of how the questions, the wrestling, the depression, and lamenting, were part of the examples and lessons needed to be learned. So often times I am seeing that many things are learned and revealed when we are forced to go through the difficult times of being forced to be real, raw, and honest with our hard questions of life.  Oh, that I may one day learn to count it all joy for the lessons and hard questions I learn to ask in the most difficult circumstances of life.

”Churches”

12-16-18
 
It’s Sunday and churches (building) open their doors.  Most put on smiles they will only offer in those walls.  What would the concept really look like if churches became the church (people) the Bible talked about?   What would it look like if we were not afraid to visit a “stable” to watch a gift God wants to unfold before our eyes?  Are we afraid to see and accept the brokenness  outside of the “typical” obligations of a building?  Are we afraid to show up in the unpopular places?  Church should be more than just getting someone to walk through the doors on a Sunday morning.  What humble gift of ourselves can we bring to the hearts of the broken?

Empathetic Revelation In Suffering

Empathetic Revelation in Suffering

12-6-18

A quote in Sheila Walsh’s book In The Middle Of The Mess “Humility is a heart thing.  It’s allowing yourself to be loved as you are and extending that grace to others”.  That quote stirred some deep thoughts most of which I shared over coffee with a friend today.  To be humble enough to accept love as we are no matter what state of mind or condition and to pass that same type of love we should receive onto others with grace and no expectations.  To only love and not have the ability to accept love is a different type of pride reversal.  Those thoughts really struck me as I often reflect over not only the past few years but many years of my life. 

I believe somewhere in the beginning of this particular conversation I had made mention of my distaste for the word “Christian” and the unfair expectations it holds and how that is even often reflected to rules and standards in which many churches want “Christians” to follow or live up to.  The meaning of   “Christian” is to be a follower of Christ.  It is to be one who follows with the purpose of seeking and gaining a personal relationship with the Christ they follow.  It’s not about following church or a religion or a book of laws.  This led on to the how Jesus talked about The Great Commandment in

Matthew 22:37-40 New International Version (NIV)

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

He was talking about our lives were not to be wrapped up in “abiding by all the laws”.  He knew and recognized the great need for showing grace, releasing them from their lives of perfectionism.  He simply told them to summarize the Ten Commandments or the Laws of Moses into two simple principles.  Love your God…this mere thought is simple.  When you learn to develop your relationship with God you desire to seek him, please him, and love him.  This growing relationship develops the character he wants to build within you.  It’s not based on laws, but the mere desire to please, to love the one with whom you are building the relationship with.   The second part of this commandment says to Love your neighbor as yourself.  When we learn about loving God and learning what that love begins to look like back, beginning to grab onto the idea of loving ourselves, we begin to see in this relationship his love for us.  How in building a deep meaningful relationship that is based on unconditional love could we not begin to see and love ourselves as he does?  If we seek to grow and find a love for him, begin to accept that love back, we are then able to learn to pass that love on to “our neighbor”. 

This conversation continued on to the Parable of the Good Samaritan.  I think often times as “Christians” or “Christ Followers” or whatever “title” you want to assign yourself we completely miss these two very basic key principles and what that is supposed to look like.  Jesus explained the definition of loving thy neighbor in this Parable in

Luke 10:25-37 New International Version (NIV)

The Parable of the Good Samaritan

²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

²⁶ “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

²⁷ He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b]”

²⁸ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

²⁹ But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

³⁰ In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. ³¹ A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. ³² So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³ But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. ³⁴ He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. ³⁵ The next day he took out two denarii^[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

³⁶ “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

³⁷ The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

This man who was robbed and stripped of EVERYTHING he had laid dying.  He was robbed of his money, his belongings, his dignity, and we really don’t know what other emotional baggage he was left of from the things he was robbed of.  Not only was he robbed, but he was rejected and abandoned.  He was left dying and to continue that process alone.  He most likely was not a picture anyone would want to see or remember.  Those wounds would leave scars that would write a story all of their own.  A Story of trauma, abandonment, rejection, and a knock on death’s door as he laid alone in his pain and suffering with oozing dirty wounds and most likely a body shivering and cold from a state of shock.    Both the Priest and the Levite went out of their way to walk on the opposite side of the road to avoid the battered dying man.  They lacked humility and love (the Great Commandment to love).  The Good Samaritan came along and took notice of the dying man; who was left with no dignity and in his moments of near death of being helpless, is now left with more than physical wounds, but emotional wounds as well.  The Samaritan took pity on him, it says in Matthew.  He didn’t focus on the wounds and brokenness left before him as the man lay dying.  With humility, he loved him; he probably found a way to clothe him after cleaning his wounds.  I can almost imagine him talking to him while he poured the wine and oil on them.  He knew the man was in pain, and now in order to take steps to care for him and love him, he would have to inflict more pain in cleaning his wounds.  I can picture him speaking softly and kindly through the man cries (whatever was left) the additional pain he had to inflict, but those reminders of he was going to see him through; those words that he would be okay.  The Good Samaritan did not ask the wounded to act or behave a certain way.  He just loved him, broken and stripped in the Middle of his Mess with humility, just the way he was.  He simply lived the second part of the Great Commandment out of Loving His Neighbor.

The parable says after he was done caring for his wounds, he lifted him (dead weight and all) onto his donkey to find his way to the nearest town.  This now meant he sacrificed his ride to walk the journey with the beaten dying man.  He continued to see him through the night and care for him.  Before he paused to finish his travels for his original purpose, he chose to not make sure the man would be abandoned a second time, but that he would be cared for until he could return to continue to care for him himself.  The fact he made the choice shows he recognized there were going to be ongoing needs this man would have.  He recognized not only the physical needs but the emotional needs as well.

With all these thoughts, I wonder how many of us and how many churches, “Christ Followers”, or “Christians” are able to see brokenness as beautiful.  How often are we able to live out this commandment of “Loving thy Neighbor” with humility; their brokenness and their wounds whatever that may be.  Are we able to give them the time (with no limit) needed to heal, to grieve the effects of their pain both physical and emotional?  Are we able to forget the sight before our eyes and see the worth in each broken piece of another’s life?  What would a different view of healing look like for the broken if these concepts were true?  Brokenness not only hurts the broken but can also hurt the Samaritan.  When things are broken, including lives, it leaves harsh sharp edges and words that cry out waiting for each piece to one day be smoothed and used to create a different picture and different story.  Each piece among the lines carved by scars hold worth and value and writes their own story.  Each broken piece needing love and respect of what remains.

The broken need commitment, love, and acceptance with humility.  They certainly don’t need rejection by the priest and the Levite.  They don’t need more dirt or non-healing acidic agents poured on their already open oozing wounds.  What difference or impact could we really begin to make if we would be willing to love sharp broken pieces as beautiful and speak life and breath back into each sharp piece that we help to pick up and hold while the story gets rewritten?

Not the Same

3-18-18


Some days grief takes a front row seat to the changes and losses we have experienced.  I am learning that sometimes it is necessary just to allow this process and give it time to be thought and felt through.  I am not the same person who was born in June of 1971.  The person who graduated high school in 1990.  The person who unwillingly sacrificed her career dream, to life circumstances.  The same person who went through traumatic life experiences and sexual assaults.  The same person who thought in her heart, God led her to the right person for her to spend her life with, but was blinded and lied to through the deception of Satan himself.  The same person who bore and loved three beautiful children the best she knew how.  The same person who grew weary in her efforts of trying to love a marriage that was destroying her from the inside out.  The same person who merely wanted a break to figure out life and get back on track.  The same person who merely sought hard after love and respect that could not be given.  The same person who in the process lost herself and lost her identity she seeks desperately to find.  The same person who's insecurity exuded confidence that she never really had that became exposed to greater vulnerability because pain won.  The same person who fights the nightmares and terrors frequently and anxiety daily.  The same person who sits confused by all that has happened and questions so often and frequently what all went wrong.  The same person who a year ago, scared as she was thought she would be able to continue finding strength to do what needs to be done.  The same person who a year ago, was trying to figure out how to just hold her head up.  The same person who a year ago tried to still maintain and seek a relationship with God that now found a different path.  The same person who a year later has lost everything, but gained back her daughter.  The same person who learned a lot about the "Christian" faith and it's people.  The same person who realized quickly churches were never meant for hurting people like the cliché that is often spoken.  The same person who came to realize faith has little to do with meaningful relationships and support networks.  The same person who is learning to come to terms with the true brutality of life.  The same person who is beginning to see the blessings of learning, with much hesitation, and appreciate the new people that walk into my life, while I watch and continue to let go of others.  The same person who finds her strength and purpose through the eyes of her daughter who chooses to do her best to always wear a smile on her face and give life the attitude of make the best of what it has to offer.  The girl who has and wants to give so much despite the struggles she continually deals with.  The girl who loves people and loves life.  The girl who has shown and taught me so much be just being who she is and is meant to be, the beautiful individual she is. 


The same person who in all these life marking events, became someone different today than she was yesterday.  Realizing change happens daily and we can/ are always revolving into someone else.  The same person, who though different, realizes she will continue to become different, because that is what happens in the greater scheme of life.  I am not who I was yesterday, nor will I be the same person tomorrow.  Who was I?  I am not really sure.  Who am I?  I am not really sure of that either.  Who will I become?  I don't know that either, but I hope in time that it will only be someone much better than the person pouring her thoughts here today.

Will I Ever?

Will I ever?


As I ponder so many dreams that were lost, fantasies that failed, broken heart, broken promises, and a dirty film that seems to encapsulate every part of my being. Will the dream of security in life and within myself ever be found, or will I continue wandering and searching?  Will I one day learn to accept life for what it is with every part of it, or will I continue to want to create a fantasy of a love and belonging I search for?  Will the fantasy of wanting so much for others ever become an acceptance of everyone and everything has it's own reality of existence and acceptance?  Will I ever be able to trust that if a promise is made, it can be kept.  Will I learn to trust that not everything may turn out to be false hopes, lies, and fantasy that were formed for an ill purposed reason?  Will I learn to trust fully without question the heart of those that speak and offer good without conditions and expectations, or will doubt always want to take a front row seat?  Will I ever look, view and accept without a critical eye while watching my back?  Will I ever find restored life to a broken dying self over a marriage I could not save, over kids lost and misled to the lies and toxicity of  narcissism, or over the connection to family I always wanted and dreamed of, but never seemed to know or learn how to fully fit in or be accepted?  Will I ever sleep with security of safety and contentment that my soul deeply desires?  Will I ever know or experience what real love and acceptance is all about?  Will I ever feel clean enough or beautiful enough on the outside, but most importantly on the inside; or will the film of filth from multiple encounters of sexual assault and abuse continue to be the thick black tar or distaste and disgust that I feel holds together the parts of who I am?  Will I ever see the beauty in the ashes that so many talk about and reference to?  Will I run through meadows of flowers, butterflies, and birds basking in all of their own beauty?  Will I frolic through the deep woods in search of a brook, stream, or waterfall that found its way to flow freely washing away the impurities of life and making a path all of its own, simply because it knows its power and strength and carries its own dignity refusing to be anything but captive to its own demise?  Will the fire that flickers and gives off light of it's own as it sings its' own song and dance burn but burn brighter and more beautiful from within the being of my own self?  Will the diamond grow and one day shine its beauty after all the pressing of the pressures of the deep dark coal aspects of life shine?  Will the grain of sand that made its way into the confines of the clam be discovered and handled carefully so that its value will shine and be discovered?

There are no answers or discoveries really, but a lot of questions that can lead to thoughts and pursuits for a quest of discovery to something better on this journey called life.